Nigeria Content Online

The 2005 “Ig Nobel
Prize” (awarded annually by an organisation called “Improbable
Research”, in recognition of “achievements that first make people
laugh, and then make them think”) for Literature was awarded to “the
Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail
to distribute a bold series of short stories, thus introducing millions
of readers to a cast of rich characters – General Sani Abacha, Mrs.
Mariam Sanni Abacha,
Barrister Jon A Mbeki Esq., and others – each of whom requires just a
small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great
wealth to which they are entitled and which they would like to share
with the kind person who assists them.”

(Wole Soyinka would
be intrigued, wouldn’t he?) Every time I come across Nigeria in
newspaper articles and blog posts in the international media, a
sizeable amount of the commentary that follows chooses to ignore
whatever the theme of the piece is and insist instead on showing off
their knowledge of Nigeria as the Land of the Rising Scam, amongst many
other ills.

The chapter on
Nigeria in Richard Dowden’s book, ‘Africa, Altered States, Ordinary
Miracles’, begins thus: “Nigeria has a terrible reputation. Tell
someone that you’re going to Nigeria, and if they haven’t been there
themselves, they offer sympathy. Tell anyone who has been to Nigeria,
and they laugh.”

It was this
“terrible reputation” that so riled the Obasanjo administration that it
spent millions of dollars trying to create a new reputation for
Nigeria, as the “Heart of Africa.” (Forget the fact that when many
people think of “Africa” and “Heart”, the next word that comes to mind
is “Darkness”). Obasanjo went on CNN years ago to play the lead actor’s
role in an ad extolling the virtues of the giant of Africa. “Welcome to
Nigeria” (or something like that), he announced.

It is this same
reputation that annoyed Obasanjo that today riles Dora Akunyili,
Minister for Information and Rebranding. So baffled is she by the fact
that no one seems to see Nigeria for what it really is – a great nation
of good people – that she is often to be found singing Songs of
Lamentations at public events.

One imagines that
perhaps there is a conspiracy against Nigeria, and that even Nigerians
are in on it. Everybody who is anybody has weighed in and put forward
his or her own treatise. Journalist Karl Maier’s 2002 book on Nigeria
was titled “This House Has Fallen”. Diplomat John Campbell’s ‘Nigeria’
book (he was US Ambassador to Nigeria from 2004 to 2007), forthcoming
later this year, is titled “Dancing on the Brink.” Not even the CIA is
left out, years ago they announced that Nigeria has an expiry date:
2015. One wonders why they didn’t adjust it to 2014, the year Nigeria
would have been a hundred years old…

The way things are
going; the way Nigeria’s bad reputation is being ruthlessly colonised
by expat writers and journalists and pollsters and international
organisations, I will not have any NEW bad thing to say about Nigeria
in my ‘in-progress’ book – tentatively titled: “Three, Two, One…”
(you get the drift, don’t you?)- about how awful Nigeria is, and how
close it is to imploding / exploding.

Much of this year
my book has come along nicely; Nigeria has provided every ingredient
for what my synopsis (sent to publishers around the world) describes as
“the most pessimistic book ever about any country this side of the Big
Bang”: the country’s admission into the expanded Axis of Evil on the
strength of Farouk AbdulMutallab’s achievements; that most bizarre
constitutional crisis that effectively “uselessed” much of the first
half of the year; the regular as clockwork killings in Jos; the
buffoon-ridden road to Aso Rock, and so on.

My progress is
sadly being threatened by a combination of two things: the immense
international media goodwill Nigeria seems to be enjoying as it clocks
fifty (call it a “ceasefire” if you will; CNN, BBC et al have been
devoting too much time in recent days to “celebrating” the country);
and the sense of excitement that seems to have seized the country’s
citizens as October 1 draws near. For, cynical as they may appear to
be, Nigerians are ‘confirmed’ suckers for hope, and very few are going
to be able to resist the temptation to revel in the year long
merrymaking that will commence in a few days.

My only consolation
is this: that elections are forthcoming. Everyone knows that elections
always bring out the worst in Nigeria and Nigerians. 1964/65, 1983,
1993, 2007 – the pattern is clear: mind boggling rigging and violence
and entertaining dances on the brink.

With that in mind I am actually going to continue writing my book
knowing that if I’m cynical and negative enough I won’t have to alter
one bit after the elections. Hate me all you want, but when my tome
wins the inaugural CIA / John Campbell Prize for Writing on Nigeria,
you’ll be sending me a congratulatory email…