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I do not like sequels… or prequels or “triquels” or “quadruquels” for that matter! I view them as cheats and opportunistic attempts at taking advantage of the original and the audience. Even bonafide sequels like the ones in the Harry Potter series get my ire. Why repeat the same old story in a less than- original way? Of course, there really should be nothing original about a sequel or it would not be a sequel.

It would just be an entirely different movie, not worthy of being called a sequel. Then it might just lose at the box office because it has nothing in common with the original version that brought in big bucks for the originally innovative producers who unsatisfied with just one explosive story think that tweaking the storyline one way and another and messing with the characters would continue to inspire love in us and make tremendous money for them. That is the franchisee spirit! Franchise! Oh, how I hate that word! It is blatantly and unabashedly capitalistic! “Hey, we are glad you loved our first movie and since we are not inventive enough to come up with a better storyline based on different characters that would equally blow your mind away, we might as well just take these ones you love so much and turn them into something you will later come to view with a mix of exasperation, wistful nostalgia and lots of irritation.” What brought on this rant? Shrek the fourth chapter! I mean Shrek Forever After (and hopefully AMEN!)

I love Shrek. I loved him right from the first day I heard Mike Myers’ heavily accented voice and saw Donkey do the Eddie Murphy thing with his teeth. I loved Shrek the first. Then I tried to understand Shrek the second. By Shrek the third, the only thing that intrigued me was why the Justin Timberlake character ever existed.

Then now Shrek the fourth and I feel cheated, duped, used, outsmarted! I mean these guys rather than entertain us just want to play on our sentiments. It does not even matter to them that few sequels in history have ever been par with the original or made as much money. But then it is not the “as much money” they are concerned about; it is the money, period. Because they know that if you really enjoyed the first movie you would be willing and eager to part with your money to go watch a part two and even maybe, just maybe, put your hands in your pocket again and again for a part three and four. And why would you do that? Because you have become sentimentally attached to the original characters.

In fact some people become so attached to a story or characters in a movie that a whole bunch of straight to video movies is churned out especially for them. Check out the American Pie series. It is like junk food- you know it is bad for you but you keep eating it anyway probably because of the Ajino Moto or the trans-fat it is made with. Either way, something in junk food makes us keeping longing for it no matter how fat we become from eating it. It was rather unfortunate that I did not pay to watch the movie because I was seriously tempted after an hour twenty minutes of pure torture to go and ask for my money back. You ask me if it was that bad why stay through one hour 20 minutes? Because it’s like listening to your daughter make the same joke for the umpteenth time.

You don’t shut her up or get up and walk away. You wait patiently while she repeats the now familiar words all with a sickly painful smile on your face and then when she finally drops the punch line you politely chuckle and pray to the highest heavens that she never repeats the joke again. Thank God they said it is the last in the franchise. But with Hollywood, you never know. Give them twelve years just like with John McClane and the Die Hards that failed to just die or Rocky that eventually lived up to its name by the sixth and after-how-manyyears installment. They just might release Shrek the Grandpa.

Why can’t they just accept that we loved the original version of the movie and move on to other projects? Why keep flogging us over the head with washed-up stars, uninspiring storylines, overdone visual effects and now lousy characters? Yet we complain when Nollywood does part one to four. At least in Nollywood’s case all the parts are just an unnecessary elongation of a rather short predictable story but with credible cliffhangers that justify one coughing out money to buy the CDs. But imagine paying more than that at the cinemas for the oyibo version of a desperado attempt to make money without being original! Yes, say it with me- I have just been had!