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I’m
convinced that there’s something about the gutters of Lagos that calls to us.
Some, more than others I hasten to add! It must be the black, murky depths. The
fact is that the water looks (and is!) black and usually caked with oodles of
sand, or what looks like it. Maybe, the constant whiff of the quintessential
gutter odours adds to the mystery.

Some
gutters are narrow, wide, new (state-of-the-art engineering feats), old,
broken, can be easily stepped over; others require the hop, step and jump
technique of the triple jump! They surround us on all sides; in fact in some
areas of the Centre of Excellence, they are
known to run right through some homes!

The
feature that almost all these tributaries have in common (new ones haven’t
acquired it yet) is the odious, choking, pungent, ammonia-like fumes that rise
up to unclog blocked nostrils. This distinct smell doesn’t change, but
undergoes alterations in dilution as you come across various gutters. In some
places, more than others this distinct smell of human waste is the major
ingredient of this watery solution. Of all its characteristics, this is what I
think calls to us the strongest. How else does one explain this activity, that
people (seem) to delight in doing within its vicinity? For those that think
it’s the usual gentlemanly pastime, I’m sorry to disappoint you!

In
journeys about the city and even nearer home, the act of personal oral hygiene
is one that consistently takes place over the humble vestibules that collect
wastewater around the city. The bracing stench that arises from them does
wonders for the teeth and the individuals involved; else why else would many
people choose this as the place to do what the dentist recommends. One would
have thought that the sinks provided in their bathrooms would be more
appropriate. Where their absence is
regrettable, it calls into question the structures that are passed off as
accommodation in the city. The crazy rent demanded for them is topic for
another day!!

Understandably,
if a face-me-I-face-you is the current abode, then the less time spent in the
communal bathroom the better and so brushing before the usual ablution is
called for. So maybe this set of tenants could be excused, but why they’d still
choose the gutter is still highly questionable. The fact that some of these
gutters face the full glare of the public is not a deterrent; again that it
also seems to be the only place this function can be carried out is still
questionable.

Nearer
home, another open air demonstration is worthy of raised brows. For a fact, a
self-contained room is endowed with the modern conveniences and so it is a
mystery why the outdoor option is still preferred! Having more than one person
live there, two, maybe even three is still not a good enough reason.

Could
it be the freedom of splashing froth coloured water unto the ground? Maybe
seeing it dissolve, as it hits the black waters of the gutter is a sport in
itself? The companionship of other fellow open-air enthusiasts may also be
another pull. The hacking noises emanating from throats, as some attempt to
extract their tonsils sans anaesthesia maybe another clue. The very act of
spitting out the contents of the mouth and watching its aerial display could be
an appeal lost on unwilling spectators.

Whatever the explanation,
this early morning, outdoor sport will continue as the adherents heed the call
of the gutters that beckon them to cleanse their dentition. The gutters will
continue to act as the receptacles for the oral gene activities that bedevil
the human populace of our great metrop