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At the funeral,
last year, of a friend in his forties who died from ill-health, one of
his mourners noted in an aside to his circle of friends, the ‘awon
boys,’ that “hmmm, spousal support, o wa important!” They listened and
nodded but did not give it much thought.

The man was divorced. “Eh hen? So?”

The man was living alone. “What is so hard about that?”

The man did not look after himself. “He is in good company!”

Yet, over the course of the year, the term ‘spousal support’ has been brought to my notice again and again.

For lawyers,
spousal support is court-ordered support from one partner to the other
during a separation or after a divorce. Although the mourner was a
lawyer, it was evident he was not referring to the law. At heart, he
meant the care given by one spouse to another. He meant the
demonstration of concern during times of tribulation and anxiety. He
meant the vigilance of a partner when they notice small signs that all
may not be well. He meant insistence and harassment to see a doctor
about little symptoms like that persistent headache, or prolonged
fatigue. He meant that pep talk to lift the spirits of a dejected or
beaten down companion. He meant that listening ear and wise voice to
give advice and suggestions when prospects are looking bleak. He meant
the cheerleader who gives the player the courage to take bold steps and
take calculated risks, confident that there is someone who ‘has their
back’. He meant the person that you can break down crying with and who
will never refer to it again or treat you disrespectfully as a result.
He meant spousal support.

Thinking about it,
it seems like common sense and very logical. Yet, many of us lack it
and many of us fail to give it. We receive ‘spousal support’ as
children from our parents. As teenagers, we get it from our best
friends. As adults, the source can be from family members, mentors,
close colleagues, business partners and associates in general; or from
that family doctor who has known you since you were small and calls
periodically to check up on you. We like to name it ‘human feeling.’
Yes, those fortunate amongst us have received a form of it all our
lives; but how many of us are conscious of giving that emotional
support and succour to others in turn.

A listening ear

In our traditional
cultures, elderly people refer to living alone without ‘spousal support
‘as living ‘like a witch’ whom everyone avoids in fear for their
wellbeing! It is all right to live alone by choice for independence,
self-suffiency, and privacy; but it is not okay to live alone because
there is no one who cares enough about you to either stay with you, or
to invite you to stay with them. Our late friend fell into that
category. How did it happen? If this support is so crucial at the level
of couples, imagine the impact of the lack of it on a group, and even
wider to a network, a party, a people, a nation.

How do we show that
we care about the welfare of others, for our circle, for our network,
and the welfare of the state? Do we even show care for the state in the
spirit of spousal support? How have we demonstrated concern during
times of tribulation and national anxiety? Are we vigilant – looking
out for the small signs that all may not be well? Are we insistent on
seeking solutions to identified ills? From reports of progress in the
court, of seemingly clear cut cases of corruption that start off well
and trickle to nothing. I think we do well in giving ourselves pep
talks to lift our spirits. We invest a lot in items and events to make
us feel good about ourselves.

The presidential advisory committee seems like a good source of a
listening ear and wise voice to the president, if it is able to play
that role; but do governors and councilmen have similar people or
bodies to give them advice to the benefit of our lives and in the
interests of our nation? We have cheerleaders galore to urge each other
to take extravagant steps and make big promises that mostly do not pan
out. And when the chips are down, or the political appointment is over,
who ‘has our back.’ Former politicians are the first to tell you that
it is really lonely out there. Everyone disappears. We need to give
each other spousal support so that we do not die unnecessarily when a
little intervention, a little attention, and a little care can keep us
alive on the way to recovery.