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If you haven’t
heard about it, talked about it, sang about, set up a focus group,
written about it – then you are what Fela called suegbe! To say you are
not aware is to say you don’t live in this our
forward-ever-backward-never country.

You probably think
I am talking about our able Generalissimo; the Inspector General of
Police who almost slapped an “overzealous” journalist in Abuja right
after the President honored him for the role he is playing to make our
lives safer. I think the journalist who asked Ogbonna Onovo if he
deserved to be honored at this time when the country is enjoying peace
and tranquility was clearly out of his or her elements.

What better time
than now to honor the man who through his commando moves just stamped
out all forms of unrest and kidnapping in our land?

Our police are
first class, highly rated among the best trained and most efficient in
combating both local and international crime. Before Onovo came to be
IG, the southeastern part of Nigeria was a no-go area but now everyday
is a new yam festival.

Last Christmas
indigenes went home in droves to celebrate in an open carnival-like
atmosphere. There was no better time for the President to honour the
chief of police, congratulations chief, nothing do you!

So it is not about
the IG that I want to tell you. And neither am I talking about the
latest ear splitting droning noise of ZONING! The debates about
geo-political zoning have raged so much in the last few months that I
am completely zoned out of my brains.

Some of our
politicians have become like a mad woman tying and untying her wrapper
in a market square. Party chairmen would say that the zoning system is
dead today and wake up the next day to say it is alive, biblical
miracles are happening all over the country because of zoning. Recently
nineteen Northern governors were so zoned out in Kaduna that they
couldn’t really come to a consensus on the zoning formula. No one wants
to be zoned out of the big dance come 2011.

So I am not talking
about geo-political zoning of untrustworthy politicians. But be aware
(not warned) that there is a new mafia in town. Don’t panic please;
they are purely harmless in their tactical operations. You know I will
be the last person to hide anything from my fellow Nigerians. And I
will be shocked if you say you have no inclination of what I am inkling
at.

This new mafia is
not like the Sicilian thoroughbred or the Chicago mob or even the movie
version like the The Godfather or the hit TV show, The Sopranos.

GSG as they are
known are completely non-violent, they are the vegetarian mafia whose
choice of weapon is PF2011, (PF stands for Political Finagling). Though
the GSG Cosa Nostra is friendly their tactic is quite effective. This
group is made up of well meaning Nigerians of voting age, with no known
Capone. They service one client and one client only and their primary
assignment is to benevolently crack the 2011 palm kernel for him, even
if they have to do so on the shaven heads of resistant Nigerians.

If they are
harmless and not violent, why do I call them mafia? Well let’s see what
one of the top Mafioso in the GSG Cosa Nostra confessed to a certain
daily newspaper this week: “Most northern states pretend to be with
Professor (real name withheld here for security reasons please) but
they are not really with him. We will now carry battle to the doorsteps
of the North.”

Please, before you
start bringing out your Uzis and AK47s to protect yourselves, remember
I said that these guys are not the violent type, they are just mere
finaglers and they made it clear that the battle they are talking about
is a “campaign battle”. And we all know how peaceful those campaign
battles can be.

They also promise
to shape up and straighten certain PDP governors who are playing a cat
and mouse game with their client – “we know the state we are having
problems with “, they revealed.

They have been
expressly mandated by their client, Professor, to start taking the
pulse of Nigerian citizens of voting age to see how they feel about
him, before he decides to run for office next year. So if somebody
walks up to you, grabs your hand and tries to feel your pulse like a
nurse in a general hospital, please don’t struggle or argue. All they
are looking for is just a 60 percent positive pulse rate for Professor.

If they come to me
to take my pulse I won’t run, because I know Professor will run if GSG
Cosa Nostra goes to him with enough good pulse rates. Oh I almost
forgot to mention what I meant to tell you this week: there is a
political pressure group known as Goodluck Support Group, aka GSG. They
don’t joke.