Nigeria Content Online

Are you there,
Prof? Well done, eku election o, e pele o, eku ise o, as we tell people
that are working very hard and sweating from all unimaginable parts of
their bodies. I really don’t feel like saying much today, I just want
to encourage you and tell you it is well. When situations stink to the
high heavens in Nigeria, like horse poopoo, we crack our fingers, stare
each other in the face and say, “It is well”.

That much I can
tell you, my dear professor: it is well. Don’t be discouraged. I cannot
imagine how you are handling this knotty situation right now, because I
know how I’ve been praying against anger since last Saturday. You
cannot imagine how many expletives I have released in the middle of
conversations. But, it is well.

I specially want to
commend your efforts so far. We seem to forget that not very many
people volunteer to carry away a decaying corpse so that the community
can breathe some fresh air. But once you do, you must not complain
about the smell or even attempt to wiggle your nose in disgust. So,
welcome sir, to our square filled with political decay. Ah, one more
reminder before I move on — your job is like that of a night soil man
on duty; he never gets discouraged no matter how much his bucket
stinks. You get the picture…or smell?

We well-meaning
Nigerians are grateful because we know the elephant you are carrying on
your head is unusually heavy, so you must not look back. We may have
said some hurtful words to you when Goodluck Jonathan gave you bags and
bags of billions of naira, but we were only trying to warn you to shine
your eyes. We screamed and stamped our feet on stones in protest yet
the president loaded you up like a dice. As if he knew you guys were
going to use the money the way a two-year-old uses tissue paper. Nobody
can blame the president now for not giving you all you requested, so
you have to perform, Prof.

Before I continue,
let me quickly give a shout out to President Jonathan, for being the
first president who can’t be blamed for causing an ongoing election
quagmire. Okay, Prof, let me stop rambling and cut to the chase. What
is this rumour I am hearing about you contemplating resignation? It
better not be true o, because you don’t cut a king’s hair halfway and
say you want to go and use the toilet. Mba! This bone that is caught in
our national throat must be removed, because you gave us warranty and
guarantee when you were given the billions.

We Nigerians are
tired of buying cars without engines, with our hard-earned money, and
when such cars don’t work we are forced to go buy engines separately.
This time around, this car must work or else nobody is going anywhere
o. Don’t be offended by my words, Prof; you yourself know that we
ordered pounded yam and your people are trying to give us ikpakpa
beans. And you want to leave us? Who will clean up this mess?

We Nigerians know
you are not a magician; you have said so many times. But if you have to
take a quick course on how to be an INEC magician, there is still
enough money left with INEC to pay for it, sir. Because this process
must be seen to a reasonable conclusion and we don’t want any other
midwife to birth this overdue baby for us. And don’t think for a minute
that we are blaming you one bit. We aren’t fools. We know you couldn’t
have ‘flopped’ up (readers you can add your own choice word there, my
editors would have deleted my original pick) all by yourself. We know
there are little foxes spoiling the vine all over the country.

It is because of
these heartless and rudderless little foxes in INEC that we would like
you to tarry a little longer. After you have managed to salvage what is
left of our elections, call a closed door meeting of all your staff.
The commissioners, to the cleaners, should be locked up in a room while
you hold a pump-action and say, “Na who among una fall my hand? If
nobody speaks up now, we are not going anywhere anytime soon to go
spend the money you made from sabotaging my efforts”. If nobody
answers, well, you know how they do in the movies: shoot the ceiling
and let some cement and sand and asbestos rain. I am sure many will
confess how they lied to you blatantly.

Okay, Prof, that might be a bit too gangster. That was my anger
sneaking up on me again. Since the president has asked us to shun
violence during this period, I will beg you to take a deep breath and
find us a solution fast. But no sinners that ruined last Saturday must
go unpunished though. I have to go now. The president said we should
pray and I need to alert your fellow Prof, Dora, to book a million and
one novena Masses for tomorrow. Don’t forget to vote tomorrow, folks!