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My white friend, my good friend, welcome to my country, the happiest nation on earth.

Yes, that was hectic but we made it through immigration and customs.

I must apologise for hiding you behind newspapers as if I was ashamed of bringing a friend like you into my country.

No, not at all. I
was not hiding you because Nigerian Customs will demand money from me
for an oyinbo like you. I think you read too much on your Department of
States website before this trip. Have I ever entered your country
without your immigration officers flipping through my passport as if it
is a magazine on how to make a dirty bomb? And please don’t put me in
trouble, we don’t blab about bribing like that here. We have code words
like “oga wetin dey” or “oga na weekend o”. This is Lagos you need to
be a bit cautious!

You ask too many questions, but if you must know – oyinbo means white person. No, it is not like the N word in America.

Oh you mean why the airport is not well lit and the road leading to town is dark? Well that is our way of saving on energy.

You Americans keep preaching about energy conservation and going green.

So don’t question my country for contributing its quota to saving the ozone layer.

Yes, I know that we
are an oil producing country and don’t have to worry about energy
saving that much, but I am just explaining to you the main reason why
everywhere is dark and we have to rely on the car’s headlights to get
home tonight.

Relax man! Why are
you so nervous each time we stop at a police checkpoint as if this is
the first time you are seeing an AK47 dangling carelessly.

I know it is
possible for it to go off but you need to relax and stop being so
jittery, I thought you said you could handle anything before we left
America?

What is it with all these complaints?

You are in Lagos, the earlier you adjust the better and the more fun we’ll have.

No we cannot play
computer games while we are driving home from the airport, some Lagos
eyes can see clearly in the dark. How do you think they kidnapped
Elizabeth? Abeg, let’s not draw unnecessary attention to ourselves.

We are home.
Welcome to my humble abode. I hope you can cope? And sorry for the
bumpy ride here, the roads get like that during rainy season. Hey you
want to hear something funny? In the morning when I am rushing to the
office and have no time to brew coffee, I just dump a spoonful of
instant coffee, sugar, powdered milk and hot water in a flask. By the
time I drive for a mile, my coffee has shaken and made itself, ready to
drink – hahahaha.

Why aren’t you laughing, you are too uptight. Here in my beautiful country, you must laugh not to cry.

My house is a bit hot and stuffy; let’s manage the fan.

Sorry I cannot open
the windows; the noise will drive you bananas. And you need to take
that jacket off anyway; you are in the tropics now.

You are too funny, no I don’t have a Wi-Fi for you to check your email, let’s do that in the office tomorrow.

No, there is no sawmill around here; those are my neighbours’ generators. And mine.

Yeah, this was where your sister, my darling Elizabeth of blessed memory, used to live and she never complained once.

No, I am not crying
for her, something got in my eye. But I miss her. Yes, I know – she is
alive and well, though I won’t recognise her even if I bumped into her
in an office.

Anyway, let’s not
talk about stolen apples. You are Elizabeth’s relative, so I will take
you places where you will be adored as well. I bet people will be
whispering about you in offices and cafes.

We have cafes,
c’mon now! Where do you think you are, Ubiaja? Lagos is hip; forget the
fact that electricity is aweweriore here, we rock in our squalor!

As I was saying,
you will have to tell my friends how you ship so many books, games, and
cool stuff for me without breaking my bank account.

Oh, I almost forgot one very important thing; we need to figure out how you can make me money.

Sorry we can’t do
that my friend, not all of us are corrupt as you people think, I don’t
pad contracts, and don’t tell me that is why they call you IPAD in
America!

Ok now I must
change your name, here in Nigeria names are meaningful. I hereby name
you Ipadeola, which was probably your original name before that Steve
Jobs guy shortened it to iPAD, because you people cannot pronounce
African names. Yes, iPadeola is a beautiful Yoruba name.

Now let’s get some rest, but please sing me a lullaby or play me Sam
Cooke’s A Change Is Gonna Come! I just heard a good friend of mine has
thrown in his round hat for the presidential race.