Breaking News
Mrs. Jonathan needs no help
The spokesperson for President Goodluck
Jonathan has finally reacted to the money laundering accusations that
have been trailing Patience Jonathan, wife of the Nigerian president.
“A false money laundering accusation can
do absolutely nothing to taint the perfect image of the very popular
Patience Goodluck candidate,” he stated.
“We couldn’t agree more,” spokesperson for Nigerian Twitters said. “The woman has done all the tainting all by herself.”
Glo, MTN delay election results
The Independent National Electoral
Commission has issued a statement blaming two of Nigerian’s leading
telecommunications networks for result verification delays.
Over the last week, the commission added
Nigerians to its Blackberry messenger list, in an attempt to be more
efficient with delivering information regarding the elections. It had
sought to be able to verify the results of elections by pinging voters.
Unfortunately, and in what was
considered completely unpredictable, the plan was thwarted when most of
the phone networks seemed jammed at the end of the first round of
elections.
“INEC and its budget cannot be blamed
for any delays,” an INEC source declared. “It is the fault of mobile
network providers who failed to deliver all our messages. The fate of
this country rested on Blackberry PINs and pings and, as you can all
see, they have let us down.”
Cecelia Ibru gives back to society
On behalf of all Nigerians, Oceanic
Bank’s former CEO, Cecilia Ibru, has filed a suit against Nduka
Obaigbena of ThisDay newspapers, accusing him of false advertising and
promotion with the election polls published in his newspaper last week.
Mrs. Ibru, who suffered a fall from
glory when she was sacked as bank head for her gross incompetence, has
now openly blamed Mr. Obaigbena and his continual awards for leading her
astray.
“Being piled with accolades which read
“Banker of the Year” and “Most Successful Bank of the Year” contributed
to bringing my demise,” she argued. “I cannot stand aside and watch any
other Nigerians suffer the same fate, which include overconfidence and
overspending.”
My enemies caused my fall, says Tinubu
At a recent Women in Politics awards
ceremony hosted by the Nigerian Feminists Association, Oluremi Tinubu,
senatorial aspirant for the Action Congress of Nigeria and wife of ACN
kingpin, Bola Tinubu, suffered a stage tumble.
While mounting the podium to receive her
award for Breakthrough Female in Politics, the former Lagos State first
lady tripped on her four-inch Christian Louboutin heels and landed on
her back, with dirt speckling her perfectly coiffured weave.
“My enemies are behind this,” Mrs.
Tinubu insisted, as half of the hall rushed to aid her to her feet.
“Jealousy, that’s what it is. Nothing but jealousy.” Well, duh! Of
course, it’s jealousy. Have you seen her campaign posters? Only a blind
woman wouldn’t be jealous of that perfection. Frankly, no one
understands why the ACN boss lady has bothered to do any campaigning.
The photos speak for themselves.
Shekarau keeps winning
American
president, Barack Obama, has recruited ANPP presidential candidate,
Ibrahim Shekarau, into the league of extraordinary orators. This comes
as no surprise to anyone who watched the presidential debate in which
Mr. Shekarau bamboozled the public with his eloquence, with the same
convincing tenacity as President Obama himself.
As if this approval nod from Mr. Obama
was not enough hipster endorsement already, musician Naeto C will follow
in fellow musician D’banj’s footsteps by offering a remix of the
popular hit song “Ten over Ten”. He will be replacing the words “shikena
shikena shikena o” with “Shekarau Shekarau Shekarau o”.
Whatever the outcome of this election, one thing is clear: Mr. Shekarau just keeps winning.
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