Breaking News
Election monitors won’t wait for Jega
A shocking Wikileaks report has revealed that the
European Union election monitors, headed by Alojz Peterle, had not
actually stepped foot in Nigeria as at the time of last week’s botched
elections. Their arrival photos were photoshopped. The observers were
actually about to join a yacht cruise when they were told the news of
the election delays.
“Not being here wouldn’t have prevented us from
writing about the elections,” Mr. Peterle said. As a matter of fact,
the team had already written their full reports, stating that the
recently-concluded elections were better than the last, but still
flawed.
“That standard analysis usually covers it for most Third World countries,” Mr. Peterle explained.
Bauchi electorate cast their stones
The governor of Bauchi State has fired 87 of his
special assistants for advising him to visit certain neglected local
governments in his state. The visits, which resulted in Mr. Yaguda
being stoned by the people of Tafawa Balewa and Bogoro LGAs, have left
Mr. Yaguda angry and within the realms of an existential crisis.
“I should have listened to Gbagbo,” Mr. Yaguda
mumbled. “He told me to stay locked up in the State House and allow the
state to run as it would.”
“As you can all see,” the governor added, “Mr.
Gbagbo has been left alone to continue pretending he is the president
of the country while the country tries to revive itself under the
leadership of Alassane Ouattara.”
Yes, you can. Or not
The American president has finally released the
sensational campaign strategy set to have us all on the edges of our
seats once again. In true celebrity president style, Mr. Obama has
decided to open up a selection of his campaign slogans to the public.
He will be operating an ‘American idol’ style competition.
The contest invites anyone from any of the several
countries where Mr. Obama has roots in, to come in front of a group of
judges to give long inspirational speeches from which the president can
then draw catchy slogans and phrases from. The judges for the
competition include: Mr. Obama’s two daughters, Paula Abdul and the
ever-political Kim Kardashian.
The strategy has proven very popular, with
millions already setting Twitter abuzz with what they hope might
eventually be the American president’s choices. So far, the favourite
slogans include: ‘Well, we didn’t… but let’s try again’, ‘Once you go
black, you never go back’, ‘Hey, that’s racism’, and ‘I’m Barack Obama,
b!tc#!!!’
Watch that inbox, says PDP
Last week on ‘Battle of the Texts’, viewers and
mobile phone users were bombarded with an unprecedented high number of
texts messages from several political parties arguing their cases.
Yet, according to the media relations officers of the PDP, the public is yet to see the most intriguing of it.
“Where the ACN and Labour Party dominated the bulk
text messaging last week, this week, we have promised to join in the
competition in order to make it a truly spectacular two-week season
finale,” he said.
Watch out for more intimate details of juju
dealings amongst politicians and their godfathers, Jerry Springer-style
text message fights and, possibly, full details of every man and woman
each presidential candidate has had carnal knowledge of.
Do you fancy yourself a satirist? Send your Breaking News spoofs to opinion@234next.com
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