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It is the desire of every parent, to educate their children and to see them move on to become self-sufficient. With today’s challenging global economy, however, there is a huge increase in the number of grown ups having to depend on parents when the real world becomes too tough to cope with. Described as ‘the worst job market in a generation’, huge numbers of graduates face more economic uncertainty than their parents who were born at a time of relatively greater opportunity and promise.

A challenge of 21st century parenting is the sheer number of dependent adult graduates. The question is, have today’s parents raised a generation of spoiled young people who are unable to cope with the real world? Are we perpetuating the ‘Boomerang Generation’ phenomenon, which has seen parents welcoming adult children back home after university, paying off their debts, keeping their mobile phones funded, and paying all their bills? Or, is today’s world just so difficult that they are unable to make their way without our assistance?

What stage are your children at? Have they completed their education? Are they looking for jobs? Have they started work? How much do you continue to support them? Do you give all that they ask for or just a part. Will the money help them to become more self-sufficient or will it just lead to more and more requests for help? The answers will vary from family to family. Consider these scenarios and see where you fit:

• You feel that your financial obligations end when your children graduate

• You support your children financially, and expect to do so for the rest of your life

• You will give your child the first few month’s rent and a security deposit for a new apartment and then they are on their own

• Your child can continue to live at home rent-free and doesn’t need to contribute to any of the household expenses.

• You will set them up in an apartment which you will fund until they are on their feet

• You have educated your child and will not give any further financial support, either because you cannot afford to, or you choose not to.

When should you step in and when should you hold back?

Take the time to analyse the request carefully, particularly if a significant sum is required. Is there a genuine need? If they desperately need the money for an important, legitimate need and you can afford it, then there is no harm in giving or lending as the case may be. Most parents would not mind stepping in during a true emergency, such as if a child or grandchild needs medical care, or school fees must be paid to keep children in school.

The implications for your retirement

It is wonderful to be able to support your children but, at what cost to yourself? For many parents, continuing to financially support adult kids who return to the empty nest could have serious consequences for your financial future, particularly your retirement. If you sit down to actually assess the numbers in terms of how much longer you must continue to earn, it puts it into perspective. Remember you need to look after yourself so that you do not become dependent on them in later years.

Family dynamics

Every child is different. Take a good look at each of your children’s money personalities. In the same family, you will discover that various children deal with money matters differently. You find one child has been frugal from their earliest years, whilst another who is a spendthrift and extravagant, feels that you owe them a living. Some children are simply unwilling to accept that they may need to take a step down on the economic ladder when they leave home. Indeed, many young adults seek to imitate their parent’s lifestyle that has taken nearly a half-century to build.

Emotional and psychological aspects of financial aid

Be aware of the emotional repercussions for the whole family, of financial aid. If the handouts are jeopardising family relationships and family finances, then things need to change. When adult children constantly demand and receive money, there may be feelings of dependency that this creates, which can lead to resentment. Parents too may feel resentful, about being constantly pressured to provide.

The psychological dynamics get even more complicated if some adult children are getting help while others aren’t. You find families where for example two self-sufficient sons deeply resent the hundreds of thousands of naira being given to their spoilt sister; the brothers may have concerns that they are being penalised for being financially responsible.

Does helping do more harm than good?

There is a fine line between helping and spoiling your children. How much are you really helping by keeping them dependent on you? If your children know that they can always come back to you for a bail out, they may never learn how to deal with financial setbacks or how to manage their own money. Studies show that the more dependent children are on their parents, the less able they are to be economically self-sufficient.

Of course it makes smart economic sense for a child to move back home where life is comfortable and rent is usually nonexistent. But by allowing adult children to live at home free of charge so they can spend more money on travelling and eating out is not teaching them financial responsibility. At a minimum they should be encouraged to cover some basic expenses whilst putting away some savings to prepare them for the realities of starting out on their own.

Help your child to be self-sufficient

Even if money is no object for you, make an effort to wean your child off you financially, and consider ways to help them become more self-sufficient. If you are going to help a child pay off mobile phone or other debt, put something in writing clearly stating the terms including interest and repayment schedule. Clear expectations and definite limits are always better for all parties involved. Adult children also need to know in advance when financial aid will begin to be withdrawn and may eventually stop.

Saying no is one of the most difficult things for a parent to do, but sometimes you have to step back, take a deep breath, and let whatever happens, happen. Even if some pain results, your child may just learn some valuable life lessons before its too late. They might not appreciate it now, but remember that your efforts to make them financially self-sufficient will ultimately result in more balanced, more purposeful and more empowered adults; the alternative can be grim.