Nigeria Content Online

I regularly get questions from readers who believe I can solve
their marital problems. Below are questions I got from a deeply troubled soul
named Truck Pusher.

“Help! I got married because I thought I would be getting sex
every day! Now I don’t get any! My wife thinks I am an idiot! What should I
do?” Also, my wife loves trying on new dresses and asking me what I think. I am
a fashion illiterate. My wife calls me olodo idiot! What should I do?”

Response: Your wife is right. You are an idiot. Listen, married
men don’t have sex. Once you get married, forget sex. Repeat after me: Your
wife is right. You are an olodo. You are a fashion illiterate and she knows it.
Women are geniuses, men are idiots; they don’t call us cave men simply because
we like to scratch our buttocks and belch. Women understand that men are
biologically incapable of distinguishing between a dress and a table napkin
because all men think about is food and sex. Your wife doesn’t need your stupid
opinion. She was simply testing your IQ and your ability to pay attention to
her. Say your wife puts on a new dress and, as you are doing something serious,
like reading my great columns, she coos: “Enh, honey, what do you think?” A
typical man would say something stupid without looking up to see if she is
naked, like: “Honey, it is very nice! Are you near the fridge? A Heineken
please!” In America, that is spouse abuse and it will earn you a hot slap and
several days in the doghouse.

This is what you do: Once you hear your wife’s voice, look up
from whatever you are doing. This is a trick question. Women do that to men
regularly. I believe they call it “checking in”, because if you fail the “pay
attention” test, you are “checking in” to the doghouse. Women have been known
to stand in front of their spouses gloriously naked, asking the sexy question:
“Honey, do you like my dress?” And of course, the idiots have brayed
absentmindedly: “I like it, honey, I really do! The blue compliments your
shoes!” Please do not try that foolishness at home. You may have just blown
your yearly chance at sex. Yes, in marriage, sex doesn’t come often. Always be
alert for sex and take it whenever it is offered.

So, what you do is look up in case there is some sex in your
future. Well, if indeed she is naked, stop reading right here and enjoy your
marriage, you lucky devil. If however she is in a new dress, then you have a
problem. Stop whatever you are doing and become a fashion critic. Stand up
slowly from my column (it’s okay; really, there are more gullible readers where
you came from. I shall not starve). Purse your lips pensively, put your finger
to your lips while you study the beauty before you and then say, “Nice… let’s
see… em, turn around!” They like that, “very attentive husband!” After one
minute of looking pensive and intelligent, start laying on the charm: “Nice… I
like the way the dress enhances your natural beauty!” Women like that. She will
eat it up. You might even get some (sex!). Follow this up with another volley:
“The blue dots accentuate your sexy eyes and they go nicely with your blue
shoes in an understated way.” Oh man, you are really going to get it (sex!).
Then ask her to turn around again. If you are lucky and she has other clothes
that she wants to try on, she will take off the dress and try on the next one.
You might get some (sex!) before she tries on the other one.

This purchase may have set back your children’s college tuition fund. You
may need to apply for emergency shelter from the government, or your relatives
if you live in a civilized place like Nigeria where the President is busy gleefully
typing “LOL” on women’s Facebook statuses while the country burns. Ask nicely:
“I bet you spent a pretty penny on this gorgeous dress!” She will say: “Honey,
you are really great in bed! [a big lie of course!] You will not believe how
cheap this dress was.” She will get the price tag from her Gucci purse ($1,500
on sale in Dubai; she bought it from Dame Dr. Mrs. Chief Patience Goodluck
Jonathan who had bought it at a bend down boutique in Dubai for $2.00 plus
shipping and handling) Wow! It was originally $1,500. Half off special! Now it
only cost her $750! You weep with relief. You are tempted to give your wife
half of what she just saved. Except that she charged it to the credit card.
Don’t worry; she will take off the dress. What you do next is up to you. Please
note: None of this ever happens in my house. My wife never asks my opinion of
her new dresses. She knows: I am an idiot.