Nigeria Content Online

A married female Facebook friend asked me the other day, “What do you men really want besides sex?” I told her the truth: Besides sex, men really want a lot of sex, a lot! My friend thinks allowing her husband sex is the most disgusting thing ever. The poor man sits on their couch for days on end with his big belle, farting, belching, scratching his butt and demanding peppersoup and Heineken so he can enjoy the Nigerian football teams, Manchester United and Arsenal, wallop each other. At half time, he wants sex. He likes having sex while wearing his favourite Arsenal T-shirt. The shirt was last washed (by my friend) three years ago. If he would only take it off, she would wash it again. They live in Nigeria. Oh man, that is the life: Sex, Heineken, peppersoup and football on demand. And no showers! The men of Nigeria have it made. Try that nonsense here in America and the divorce court woman judge will ask for your sorry behind as in: “Olosi, iso abi tire? Idiot, would you like a nail driven through your olodo head or a necklace of fire and petrol around your lazy ass neck?”

Women are always asking important questions on Facebook. If you are on Facebook, please sign on to Let’s Talk About It, a page run by an eclectic Nigerian lady named PJ. This page is extremely popular; all our Nigerian women are over there talking about all sorts of sexy stuff that they would like done to them by the clueless men in their lives. They talk about men and sex nonstop. I did not know that there were other sex positions other than the missionary position until I got to this page, Lord have mercy. Nigerian women, to hear them say it, are utterly disappointed in their men’s sex habits. They want a lot of ceremonies ahead of the real thing. Do you know Nigerian women would like something called “foreplay”? They would really appreciate romantic words like “I love you” before doing the real thing. I did not find a single Nigerian woman on that page who was interested in just going straight to business. According to our wives, partners and lovers, we should be showering them with strange things like flowers, candy, perfume, lingerie, romantic cards and bad poetry, all for the privilege of having sex. This is one of the sins of globalisation. Facebook is spoiling our spouses and partners for us.

Okay, just to summarize this important column: Many Nigerian men think Facebook is a FESTAC peppersoup joint. On the other hand, it seems that all our women are on Facebook enjoying imaginary sex and talking about the clueless men in their lives. Their favourite topic seems to be sex or the lack of it. Let me emphasise that they are unsatisfied with the sexual services provided by their men. So they go on Facebook to talk about men. They are totally unreasonable. They want something called love making, they want men to be tender, understanding, and they want men to talk to them. Nigerian men, whatever you do, please do not describe the heavenly act of lovemaking as “nacking” or “chopping.” You will be relegated to the virtual doghouse. Our women now insist on foreplay, which apparently involves a lot of talking and whispering obvious njakiri like: “I love you, my lovely, wonderful princess, blah, blah, blah.” Of course we love our wives, otherwise we would have married our mortal enemies. These modern women critique men’s moves in bed and the feedback one gets is that they are very unhappy with our bedside manners or the lack of said manners. There is an Egyptian revolution in the making in the hearts of our Nigerian women. It is the fault of Facebook. Again, if you are a Nigerian man and your lover is on Facebook (trust me she is), please do not ever say to her when you are in a romantic mood, “abeg I wan nack!” She will wallop you on the head with a sex toy. If you don’t know what a sex toy is, your marriage is in divorce court. The questions women ask on the page are very illuminating. Here is a sample posting: “My husband refuses to lick my toes! The idiot wants peppersoup instead! He says, ‘Abeg stop wasting my time jare, I wan nack!’ Idiot! Bush man!”

According to Let’s Talk About It, the average Nigerian woman seems to require five rounds of sex daily, each round lasting an hour, with the man whispering sweet nonsense to her and showering her with roses and feeding her Godiva chocolate, wine and ofensala while vacuuming the house, and doing the dishes. Some of these loving activities better take place in a late model 2-door Mercedes Benz with the roof turned down. What do I think of all of this? I shall be right back; I am going to buy my wife flowers. Happy Valentine’s Day in arrears, honey! Who wan die?