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One of the most heartwarming aspects of life in Nigeria today is
the surge in artistic creativity in all its forms, a sign that the people are
appreciative of their own beauty and find fascination and self confirmation in
their Nigerianess despite the dysfunctionality or perhaps even maybe, because
of the dysfuntionality of the part of their lives that has to do with
governance and politics.

The vibrancy of Nigerian art can be explained by the immediacy
of the language and symbols we use to describe ourselves. So much of what we
are is still virgin, fresh and authentic and the energy of that Naija factor
infuses everything that makes it to these shores.

But change is stealing up on us in subtle ways as we struggle to
clear the tenacious undergrowth of urban squalor and mass unemployment seeking
the light of smooth highways and streamlined overpasses.

There is a sculptor whose name I confess I do not remember, who
has a fascination with feet. He makes huge depictions of feet, the kinds that
tell stories. Gnarled toes that have smoothed many untarred paths, sinewy
muscles that have forced their way through mud and silt, leathered soles that
are unrecognizable as skin. You see these works of art and you know they are
the tail end of another Nigerian story of cattle herders, of itinerant
pedicurists, of people who work by the sweat of their bodies.

Take Lagos, the mega city to be. One of its most enduring icons
is the teeming splash of yellow taxis and colour clad bodies, a surging mass
that has inspired many a painter and seen on a wall anywhere from Sidney
Australia to Sag Harbor New York spells Eko even to people who have never been
here.

The Item of my teenage years has gone. The streams we used to
bathe in curtained by a rich rainforest canopy of trees have melted away. We no
longer wash al fresco in open air showers built with walls of strung branches
latticed with palm fronds, rubbing the soles of our feet against stones to
clean off the dirt of the day. Bush paths have given way to motor able roads,
theoretically at least, but that is not the only kind of change I am talking
about.

There is a kind of change that still retains with it the romance
and humanity of the world it is moving away from. It is a feat that requires creative
thinking to achieve, the kind that replaces ugly dumps with plant stalls, that
removes and eyesore and provides employment at the same time.

Neatly stacked rows of baby palm trees and many other kinds of
plants are turning parts of Lagos into mini market gardens.

Orange uniformed women are sweeping highways, just the way we
used to sweep compounds. The first thing you would hear every morning apart
from cocks crowing or the drumming of Pa Agu Ogali’s Unity Church rousing
morning prayers (‘use me, my father use me’) was the swish swish of a broom on
the earthen ground.

We do not always recognize the true worth of our pioneers when they are with
us but one day when Lagos has come into its own and has melded its
irrepressible spirit with the dreams of the people who give it its heartbeat we
will remember its current governor. But the needs of those who form the bedrock
of this megapolis, its okada drivers, its civil servants, its omolankes, its
domestic workers its undocumented, its area boys and girls big and small, have
also to be considered in the great march towards urban splendour.

Here we are,
supposedly practicing democracy, which implies that we listen to all,
respect all and then accept the views of the majority. But our idea of
democracy is different: from the Executive to the Legislature, the rule
is to accept the majority opinion, only as long as it tallies with ours.

Secretly and truly,
we abhor the individual’s constitutional right to choose anything
freely, unless they agree to choose the same thing as us. This is why
many feel the PDP’s resolution on zoning was a cop-out and responsible
for this join-me-or-be-damned syndrome we now see! Devoid of spin, we
are now sure of some basic facts. That there was a zoning arrangement is
no longer in doubt. What is arguable (probably because the agreement
wasn’t in written form) is the precise terms and limits; which
information unfortunately, we have largely been left to garner from
colourful interpretations of various interest groups. Recollection of
what was agreed is selective. And it is this absence of express terms
that has led to that non-decision on zoning.

Yes, non-decision
because it caused a split in the ranks of the party. How will every
party member key into two opposing dreams, a northern (N) or southern
(S) dream?

N dreamt that zoning
remained, united the party and engendered a feeling of belonging among
all tribes and tongues. S dreamt that even if there was zoning, since S
didn’t change it unilaterally and has graciously provided food (oil) for
the whole nation for years, why wouldn’t everyone grant this waiver?

But N did not care
about acts of God; a deal’s a deal! The deal could or would not be
allowed to terminate even if fate conspired to do so. Why would S not
see the need to step down, avoid rancour and let the formula ride out
the next four years?

Now, if this was
truly the feeling of the majority, why pretend about it? The party
should have spelt it out in clear unambiguous language that it did not
accept the thinking that if an incumbent president, who is entitled to a
second term wants it, he should not be challenged from within his own
party for the ticket.

Zoning should have
been retained in spite of Divine uncontrollable rotation, if the
majority so desired. This would have showed the strength and resilience
of the soul of the party. Perhaps those out-zoned would have by now,
sought solace in other parties.

Perhaps too, the
party contradicted itself because of perceptions about its (lukewarm or
outrightly hostile) attitude to the constitutional right of its man, a
South-South vice president, who could possibly take advantage of a
political opening in the presidency. If the party didn’t like the
perception, should it not have lined up behind the incumbent, damning
the pro-zoning sentiment?

Thinking aloud now,
how would you have felt if you became an incumbent, not by any fault of
yours or conjuring by you, yet find that your party, which seemed happy
enough to have you as VP, is suddenly reluctant to consider you as a
viable president in the light of emerging circumstances? Is a VP not
expected to assume the post of a president if and when the need arises?

Ahh-haaa!
Conversely, must an incumbent force himself on a reluctant party? Must
an incumbent run under the party that brought him to prominence? If we
accept the omnipotent power of the Nigerian president, could any party
(including a ruling party!) defeat an incumbent presidential candidate,
even if he changes party? Could the party have withstood the audacity of
an incumbent president jumping ship as we saw governors do in Abia, Imo
or Bauchi States?

On the other hand,
the party recognised that events had reached a climax; unless they
wanted to be seen as fuelling adverse perceptions, they would have to
accept the inevitability of this incumbent’s constitutional right to
contest over and above the limits imposed by the PDP constitution.
Perfect shelter existed within S1 (3) of the 1999 Constitution:

‘’If any other law
is inconsistent with the provision of this Constitution, this
Constitution shall prevail, and that other law shall to the extent of
the inconsistency be void”.

S40 of the 1999
Constitution guarantees that ‘’every person shall be entitled to
assemble freely and associate with other persons, and in particular, he
MAY FORM or BELONG to ANY political party, trade union or any other
ASSOCIATION for the protection of his interests”. The only
qualification of this right is if the Electoral Commission denies such
an association official recognition.

The ability to
observe the sanctity of the right to choose freely, shows the elevation
of our civility, tolerance and respect for another’s opinion. If you
must convince, superior argument is all you can employ.

Would we have death
threats flying around if the PDP had taken a more decisive stand on the
issue of zoning? We’ll never know. But if we are to believe that the
resolution to retain zoning, yet allow a non-northerner, albeit an
incumbent, to run, was the best solution, why are some party members so
critical of the South-south indigene joining the campaign of a northern
candidate?

Are we now saying
that because the incumbent president is from the South-south, no one
from that region must participate in primaries to contest the
presidential election in 2011, even under the same party? Should any
other Ijaw man turn down the presidential ticket of another party?

But that, my friends, is a story for another day!

It was quite a
dramatic moment. Even more dramatic than the entrance of former South
African President Thabo Mbeki onto the stage to deliver a lecture in
Tshwane University of Technology’s Public Intellectual Lecture series.
He had been greeted with spontaneous and beautifully melodic deep
chanting that was both praise and acknowledgement of Mbeki and – against
a background of his failed bid to chair the ruling African National
Congress – a thumbing of the nose at current President Jacob Zuma.

Now, however, Mbeki
was barely into the stride of his lecture when a young man strode in
from the back of the hall. With awesome dreadlocks, shouting in Zulu
language, I mistook him for a praise singer bent on also hailing Mbeki.
Otherwise, why wasn’t he stopped as he approached? But on reaching the
stage, he hurled a poster at the former President. It was not a good
throw and barely made it to the foot of the podium as the interloper was
at last wrestled to the ground by security guards.

Mbeki of course,
reacted with the aplomb that we have come to expect of world leaders
confronted with flying shoes, tomatoes, or even aerodynamically
challenged missiles such as huge unwieldy posters. With barely a
second’s pause, he continued the lecture as the intruder – who, far from
being an Mbeki fan, had in fact been shouting slogans in support of
Zuma – was hustled out of the hall.

Having travelled to
South Africa for a Regional Conference on Civil Society and
Constitutional Reform organised by the National Democratic Institute and
the University of South Africa, it was my good fortune that this
surprise event had been made open to participants. Pondering Mbeki’s
career since he was forced out of office by his party led to musing
about the difference between the home lives of our own dear retired
leaders and those in South Africa.

Mbeki may or may not
be eyeing some other high office, but South Africans can rest assured
that there isn’t going to be another Mbeki presidency. However
enthusiastic his supporters inside the lecture hall, outside, in the
wider country, ANC supporters who appreciated the role played by South
Africa’s first post-apartheid president, Nelson Mandela, in stabilizing
and uniting the country in those early days of majority rule, criticise
Mbeki for failing to build on that stability and raise living standards
for the black majority during his own presidency.

Perhaps it is this
perceived failure and recognition that South African voters are fully
conscious that it is their support that maintains the ANC in power that
would make an Mbeki hesitate, even if it had been constitutionally
possible to return to power. So different from the arrogance of our own
dear former rulers.

It was during the
reign of Ibrahim Babangida that masses of workers were thrown out of
work by his “structural adjustment” policies, the middle class was
almost wiped out, corruption with “misappropriated” national funds
became an instrument of state policy while the rights and freedoms of
the Nigerian people were trampled upon through detentions without trial,
executions for trumped-up coup plots (as well as executions for actual
attempted coups) and newspaper proscriptions, while the nation’s
political progress was thrown back by a decade when the presidential
election of June 12th 1993 was annulled. An Mbeki might hesitate to
boast of such a record: Babangida revels in it and offers a repeat
performance! How lucky he is to be shielded by a Federal
Attorney-General who refuses to test his culpability over the Gulf War
oil windfall by a criminal prosecution. Nobody should be fooled by the
excuse that AGF Mohammed Bello Adoke can’t do anything because he isn’t
sure of the authenticity of the Okigbo Panel report presented to him by
civil society organisations in response to his claim that he had not
brought charges against Babangida because he didn’t have a genuine copy.

Adoke must know very
well that he would need to do a lot more than simply present a copy of
the Okigbo Panel report to secure a criminal conviction in any court of
law in Nigeria, but the shamelessness of his behaviour once his
ridiculous bluff was called, is a pointer to the corrosive effect of
former heads of state on the body politic. We need only consider the
game of smoke and mirrors that he is playing with the Halliburton case,
drawing up an elaborate charge sheet without arraigning any suspects and
expecting us to believe that matters are getting close to ex-President
Olusegun Obasanjo because one of those on the charge sheet, Bodunde
Adeyanju, is a former aide of his. Of course, trial judge David Okorowo,
refused to be part of the charade and in effect, tersely advised the
Ministry of Justice to return when they were serious.

But come to think of it, maybe our former leader takes inspiration
from South Africa’s current President? In 2008, Zuma was facing charges
for taking bribes from a French company. But when he emerged as ANC
front-runner for the office of president, these melted away …

Governor,
Babatunde Fashola’ s well attended commissioning of the Lekki Free
Trade Zone administrative complex was designed to send the message that
Lagos is determined to turn the 16,500-hectare plot into an investor’s
paradise or the Dubai of Africa, as it is being touted.

Envisioned as an
industrial and leisure park to host manufacturing, real estate,
tourism, oil, gas and other concerns, the zone is expected to boost
commercial activity in the state, while improving the lives of
residents, especially by providing employment. The project is designed
to be developed in four phases, with the first being handled by a joint
venture company under a partnership between the state government and a
Chinese consortium.

Free trade zones
are designed to attract investors local and international, to a
particular business environment where transactions and production take
place with minimum government intervention or restrictions in the form
of nationality requirement, taxes, duties and other trade barriers.
Other benefits of the Lekki project, as spelt out by Mr. Fashola, and
in line with Nigeria’s free trade zone framework, include “repatriation
of capital, profit and dividends, 100 per cent free imports of raw
materials and components for goods destined for re-exports, 100 per
cent waivers on all import and export licenses, 100 per cent
restriction-free hiring of foreign employees, 100 per cent waiver on
all expatriate quotas for companies operating in the zone.”

Since the
promulgation of Decree 34 of 1991, permitting the establishment of
Export Processing Zones within designated locations, several free trade
zones have been licensed for operation all over the country, but most
of them exist in name only today. The major ones include the Kano Free
Trade Zone, Onne Oil and Gas Free Zone in Rivers State, Calabar Free
Trade Zone, Cross River State, all of which are owned by the federal
government; and the Tinapa Free Zone and Tourism, also in Cross River
State. Construction is on-going in some others such as the Olokola Free
Zone owned by Ondo and Ogun States, and the Lekki FTZ.

Among the existing
ones, however, none can be said to be operating optimally. This raises
the question: how viable are these free trade zones?

A major
requirement for the takeoff and success of any free trade zone is the
provision of adequate infrastructure. While private companies drive
activities in free trade zones, government has the responsibility of
providing infrastructure such as land, water, ports, transportation and
other amenities. In Nigeria, this is where everything falls apart.

Among the critical requirements in the Lekki zone is electric power and roads.

Although the Lekki
arrangement would see the Chinese partners providing most of the
infrastructure such as a power plant, sewage system, water, and some
roads, so far, only few local companies are operating there. This
situation, unfortunately, is what also obtains in other free trade
zones in the country.

Attractive as the
incentives for the Lagos project appear, such as easy access to large
domestic and regional markets, developing the four phases of the
project will take some years, and its continuity depends on whether
succeeding administrations in Lagos will uphold the vision. This factor
of lack of continuity in government policy has also largely accounted
for the failure of most of the free trade zones earlier approved in
different parts of the country.

To ensure the success of the Lagos free trade zone, it is also
imperative that the state government and the federal agencies that
would be involved iron out the customs procedures to avoid the
situation that impacted negatively on the smooth take off of the Tinapa
Free Zone and Tourism project. All things considered, it will take the
state government more than wishes to turn the Lekki Free Trade Zone
into the Dubai of Africa.

I woke up this morning with a feeling that not much has changed in the country as far as the electioneering season is concerned. And, after checking out some of the dailies, my fears were given some credence. The story line appears not to have been altered much. We still have the deadly encounters – some of which have been extremely brutal – and the desperate scrambling for affiliations. Everyone who is anyone in the election drama is struggling to appear in the good books of everyone who is anyone in the hierarchy of things. And, as usual, the rest of us – the electorates, supposedly the most important casts in the scheme of things – have been given our traditional roles. A less than significant role, and yet required one – waka pass!

In some other parts of the world, the election season is the best for the people – that is the electorates. Everyone who is anyone who intends to amount to anything as far as government is concerned understands that he must first, next, and last appeal to the people. It gets better as incumbents who are seeking re-election drop a few white elephant and vain projects – those are available everywhere – an face that which will touch the lives of the people the most. In America, the much publicised health-care reform was signed into law (March 23, 2010): It was a historic event and has been more responsible for energizing Republicans and conservatives for November.

It is obvious that in these other societies, where the electorates are seen to be everything, every effort of those vying for various thrones, is geared towards appeasing the people. So, their roles are the glorified and exclusives of only the biggest stars in any “movie industry.” District attorneys are desperate to increase convictions, Police chiefs are struggling to reduce crime rate. Mayors are scrambling to make more money available for community projects. Governors are outdoing each other for the award of “state of the year” – if there is such is such an award. Legislature is reducing personal expenditure and approving supplementary budgets. Presidents are formulating health and other policies to better the lives of the people for legislature to pass in a hurry. This is how it works in those societies where the voters are the star actors. Alas, the same cannot be said for my locale.

In my locale, things take on a somewhat different approach. When elections draw near, councillors put up recreation centres with cable TV to occupy the people while more important things transpire without their knowledge. Local government chairmen paint bus garages and procure electronics for the chairmen. State governors celebrate their days in office in what seems like an adaption of the popular TV series “Days of our lives.” Legislatures increase their personal expenses account and make the figures the most well-kept secret in the country. Presidents increase their fleet and keep the country guessing on their candidacy, while making no headway in alleviating the people’s power problems. All of these and the unifying factor of scrambling to affiliate with the right grouping make up the many intrigues that are the electioneering drama in my vicinity.

In Lagos, resident doctors have been on strike for some weeks, and if reports are anything to go by, there is no respite for the many sick and dying in the Centre of Excellence in view. It appears that what the governor feels of the incident can be likened to the irritation felt over an annoying fly that just won’t realise that it is not wanted. And, of course, the obvious solution to getting rid of the problem would be hitting it with a mallet, reminiscent of a judge’s gavel. It therefore comes as something of a surprise that our able governor can work on landscaping Lagos, demolishing houses to make room for wider roads, refurbish school buildings and a host of other laudable achievements, but cannot provide adequate and quality healthcare for the citizenry when they require it.

It appears once more that we – the electorates – have assumed our traditional roles in the scheme of things. We are saddled with the responsibility of playing waka pass in this drama. And, in case the reality has not dawned on you, a waka pass role implies that at the end of the day, you are at the bottom as far as the dividends of the project are concerned. Even more disturbing, just in case you were wondering if things could get worse – we tend to play our roles just perfectly.

President Jonathan
declared his intentions for the 2011 election on Facebook two nights
ago, and will formally announce it on Saturday, September 18th. His
actions have been loud and clear in terms of what he believes should be
his priority for Nigeria, namely, electoral reform, electricity, and
Niger Delta. I am not sure in what order those priorities are, but if I
were one of his advisers, the order will be electricity, electricity,
electricity.

This is my premise:
once you have electricity, the other two will quickly fall into place.
For example, Nigeria recently approved close to $500 million for the
Independent Electoral Commission to purchase 120,000 computers and
other equipment to register Nigerian voters.

Even if the computers are battery operated, the batteries may need to be recharged at some point.

The people of Niger
Delta want to make progress and succeed, but they are handicapped by
lack of infrastructure, specifically electricity. If everyone in Niger
Delta has electricity, the problems will begin to disappear fast.

Nigeria, a country
of 150 million people generates 3,500 megawatts of power while the city
of Los Angeles, generates 7,200 megawatts for its 4 million residents;
yet, most Nigerian leaders, except President Jonathan have been aiming
for 10,000 megawatts for the last 10 years. Nigeria needs 150,000
megawatts now, and if you build it, the demand will be even more.

Nigeria’s
telecommunications has grown from 500,000 lines to 70 million lines in
less than 10 years, and the industry has attracted over $12 billion in
private investments, according to a statement made by President
Jonathan. Ten years ago, most people could have argued that Nigeria
should not dream of having 70 million lines, but now we know 70 million
lines is not enough. If we aim for 150,000 megawatts, the possibility
exists that we can attract over $100 billion in foreign investments
during the build out.

Jonathan was quoted
as saying, “South Africa, a nation of some 47 million people generates
about 50,000 megawatts. For Nigeria, a nation of 150 million people to
realise the ambition of becoming one of the 20 largest economies in the
world by the year 2020, we should be thinking of producing some 80,000
megawatts as soon as possible.”

The operative word
used by the president, is “as soon as possible”, that is why complete
privatisation and emergency measures are needed. Our first objective
should be 24/7 power for every Nigerian household immediately, by any
means necessary, regardless of vision 20/20. This is why Capital
Investment Group is offering to build, finance and deliver 4,000
megawatts within the next two years. We understand the urgency of the
situation.

We plan to use
distributive generation to provide power across Nigeria faster than it
is currently being done, by focusing on simultaneous build out in each
state. It is a lot easier and faster to build 10 megawatts of power in
one locality than it is to build one power plant of 1,000 megawatts.
So, if each local government concentrates on building 5 to 10
megawatts, it is even possible to deliver our 4,000 megawatts in less
than a year.

Eventually, Nigeria
may decide to build the 1,000 or 3,000 single power plants, but right
now we need power, and since the 1,000 or 3,000 megawatts plants take
at least 3-4 years to deliver, we must explore the fastest alternative
now, while we plan long term mega plants. Let us generate power now for
our people and give them the opportunity to build and manage the plants
themselves.

The recommendation
of the President’s task force may be on the right track, but it needs
to go further. It is okay for the federal government to have some say
in transmission, but having one entity control all transmission
throughout the country is courting the same disaster that has plagued
us for the last 30 years. Every state and every locality must be given
the opportunity to generate their own power by law.

Transmission should
be split up among three or four groups of independent public utility
commissions that are governed by specific laws. The members of the
commission may be appointed by the president or the state governor, but
neither the president nor the state governor should have the ability to
fire members of the commission, so that they would be able to discharge
their duties faithfully without the fear of termination or the desire
to favour any government policy that may be detrimental to the
stability of the industry.

To achieve
stability and succeed with the privatisation initiative, Nigeria needs
to attract investors, especially foreign ones. How do you attract
foreign investors when your country has just been declared the “13th
worst country to operate business”?

So Nigerian
leaders need to ask themselves, what can I do today to make my country
more stable. Is zoning more important or political stability?

Time is of the
essence, and the rest of the world is moving on; therefore, I say to
Nigerians, make your voices heard, and force the government to listen
to you.

Don’t just pray
for electricity, demand it. Don’t just pray for good leaders, help
elect some. Join our movement by logging on to “Nigeria let there be
light.”

Send us an email
if you want to make a contribution or have ideas on how we can deliver
power faster. We need you and Nigeria needs you.

Let’s go.

Toyin Dawodu is the Managing partner of CapitalInvestment Group Email: toyin@capvestgroup.com

Nigerians are such
ungrateful people. It is only here that the presidential ambition of
former military president, Ibrahim Babangida, would be opposed;
elsewhere, in recognition of his contribution to national development,
Babangida would not only get the PDP ticket uncontested, but go on to
win the presidential polls with the biggest landslide in electoral
history. Even Saddam Hussein’s regular 99 percent of all votes cast
would be child’s play in comparison.

Have we forgotten
so soon how this former general, at great personal risk overthrew the
uncompromising administration of Buhari/ Idiagbon and freed Nigeria
from a government that was using a whopping 42 percent of national
income to pay off foreign debts when Nigerians had to queue for
essential commodities?

Our politicians are
particularly unappreciative. Why should any politician have second
thoughts about working for the man who freed Second Republic
politicians from the draconian prison sentences handed them by the
Buhari regime? Have they forgotten that Babangida not only freed them
from prison, but also returned the billions they allegedly stole from
Nigerians?

It is only an
ungrateful people that would forget the eight glorious years Babangida
gave Nigeria. This man decided that our currency, the naira had no
business being more valuable than the almighty American dollar and
promptly devalued it with his second tier foreign exchange market. That
was only in 1986, the same year he dissolved Nigeria’s Commodity Boards
and left farmers of cash crops to the mercy of ‘market forces’.

Have we forgotten
so soon that for the first time in our history, a leader actually
engaged the citizenry in debate on whether to collect dubious loans
from the International Monetary Fund? We all gave a resounding NO, but
Babangida could see what we couldn’t. So he went ahead and took the
loan, along with the bitter pill of a Structural Adjustment Programme.
The structure of Nigeria has never been the same.

It is truly strange
that a man who did so much for the country would face the possibility
of being rubbished by the same people he worked so hard to serve.

It is unfortunate
that Babangida is not picking an automatic ticket to the presidency as
a birthright. This man committed billions of naira to the longest
political transition programme anywhere in the world. The record still
stands.

At the end of the
transition, he again saw what 14 million Nigerian voters could not see
and promptly annulled the election. He did it in the national interest,
but we still refuse to see the great service he did us.

Babangida has always had the interest of Nigeria at heart, in or out of office.

Seeing that the
country was teetering on the brink of disintegration, he promptly
imposed Obasanjo as president in 1999. Evidently, we are yet to fully
recover from the damage to our collective psyche inflicted by
Obasanjo’s eight years, otherwise, we would all be jostling to usher in
the Prince of the Niger for another eight golden years.

Babangida knows
more than all Nigerians combined; that is why we must take him
seriously when he says he will not only win the PDP primaries, but also
trounce Buhari and other pretenders to the throne. Sadly, this time
around, he will not give us another eight precious years of his life.
He has told us to be content with only four as he will be in his mid
seventies by the time he completes his four years. But the four years
will be magical and will transform Nigeria beyond belief.

When Babangida
becomes president, he will re-appoint the indefatigable Michael
Aondoakaa Minister of Justice and Attorney General. That charlatan
Jonathan should never have sacked him. As president, Babangida will
embark on national reconciliation beginning with the immediate
rehabilitation of James Ibori. All charges would be dropped. All assets
seized from Tafa Balogun, Diepreye Alamieyeseigha and others would be
returned. All pending cases against politicians and bankers would be
dropped in the spirit of reconciliation.

Again, for
transparency and accountability, President Babangida will order a probe
of Obasanjo’s eight wasted years, Yar’Adua’s useless interregnum and
Jonathan’s costly ‘no zoning’ jamborees. All the trillions missing from
the NNPC, the Federation Account, LNG, and ‘excess’ crude account will
be traced and returned to the country. He will arrest Professor Jega
and lock him up as he did before.

The EFCC and the
ICPC, those needless irritants would be scrapped. That troublemaker at
the CBN Sanusi would be dismissed. He will transform Nigeria to a Land
of Milk and Honey and we will live happily ever after.

When Babangida becomes president…

My white friend, my good friend, welcome to my country, the happiest nation on earth.

Yes, that was hectic but we made it through immigration and customs.

I must apologise for hiding you behind newspapers as if I was ashamed of bringing a friend like you into my country.

No, not at all. I
was not hiding you because Nigerian Customs will demand money from me
for an oyinbo like you. I think you read too much on your Department of
States website before this trip. Have I ever entered your country
without your immigration officers flipping through my passport as if it
is a magazine on how to make a dirty bomb? And please don’t put me in
trouble, we don’t blab about bribing like that here. We have code words
like “oga wetin dey” or “oga na weekend o”. This is Lagos you need to
be a bit cautious!

You ask too many questions, but if you must know – oyinbo means white person. No, it is not like the N word in America.

Oh you mean why the airport is not well lit and the road leading to town is dark? Well that is our way of saving on energy.

You Americans keep preaching about energy conservation and going green.

So don’t question my country for contributing its quota to saving the ozone layer.

Yes, I know that we
are an oil producing country and don’t have to worry about energy
saving that much, but I am just explaining to you the main reason why
everywhere is dark and we have to rely on the car’s headlights to get
home tonight.

Relax man! Why are
you so nervous each time we stop at a police checkpoint as if this is
the first time you are seeing an AK47 dangling carelessly.

I know it is
possible for it to go off but you need to relax and stop being so
jittery, I thought you said you could handle anything before we left
America?

What is it with all these complaints?

You are in Lagos, the earlier you adjust the better and the more fun we’ll have.

No we cannot play
computer games while we are driving home from the airport, some Lagos
eyes can see clearly in the dark. How do you think they kidnapped
Elizabeth? Abeg, let’s not draw unnecessary attention to ourselves.

We are home.
Welcome to my humble abode. I hope you can cope? And sorry for the
bumpy ride here, the roads get like that during rainy season. Hey you
want to hear something funny? In the morning when I am rushing to the
office and have no time to brew coffee, I just dump a spoonful of
instant coffee, sugar, powdered milk and hot water in a flask. By the
time I drive for a mile, my coffee has shaken and made itself, ready to
drink – hahahaha.

Why aren’t you laughing, you are too uptight. Here in my beautiful country, you must laugh not to cry.

My house is a bit hot and stuffy; let’s manage the fan.

Sorry I cannot open
the windows; the noise will drive you bananas. And you need to take
that jacket off anyway; you are in the tropics now.

You are too funny, no I don’t have a Wi-Fi for you to check your email, let’s do that in the office tomorrow.

No, there is no sawmill around here; those are my neighbours’ generators. And mine.

Yeah, this was where your sister, my darling Elizabeth of blessed memory, used to live and she never complained once.

No, I am not crying
for her, something got in my eye. But I miss her. Yes, I know – she is
alive and well, though I won’t recognise her even if I bumped into her
in an office.

Anyway, let’s not
talk about stolen apples. You are Elizabeth’s relative, so I will take
you places where you will be adored as well. I bet people will be
whispering about you in offices and cafes.

We have cafes,
c’mon now! Where do you think you are, Ubiaja? Lagos is hip; forget the
fact that electricity is aweweriore here, we rock in our squalor!

As I was saying,
you will have to tell my friends how you ship so many books, games, and
cool stuff for me without breaking my bank account.

Oh, I almost forgot one very important thing; we need to figure out how you can make me money.

Sorry we can’t do
that my friend, not all of us are corrupt as you people think, I don’t
pad contracts, and don’t tell me that is why they call you IPAD in
America!

Ok now I must
change your name, here in Nigeria names are meaningful. I hereby name
you Ipadeola, which was probably your original name before that Steve
Jobs guy shortened it to iPAD, because you people cannot pronounce
African names. Yes, iPadeola is a beautiful Yoruba name.

Now let’s get some rest, but please sing me a lullaby or play me Sam
Cooke’s A Change Is Gonna Come! I just heard a good friend of mine has
thrown in his round hat for the presidential race.