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Spoken word performer, Rachel N. Hastings, wowed the audience
with her diction and energy on July 16, when her play, ‘Seven’ was staged at
the National Theatre, Lagos. People intermittently applauded the playwright,
who played the lead role in the unusual drama which probes race, rape,
resistance, reproductive rights issues and women’s sexuality, amongst other
issues.

There were grey areas I wished to clear with the actress after
the play. Luckily, we meet some days before her departure from Nigeria and she
gladly obliges an interview.

Is it possible for seven generations of women to share similar
experiences as portrayed in the play?

“Absolutely,” reiterates Hastings. “We also look at the system,
not the exact same personal experience but the continuity that cuts across
becoming a woman. For instance, how did we become mothers? How do we understand
issues of femininity? How do we pass on what it means to be a good wife? How do
we deal with the men that we have loved and who have loved us in return? What
similarities do we have with children that we raise, and how do they change and
adapt as we move across different lands, borders and nations and the policies
that are in place? I don’t think they will be exact but replicas. We also have
similarities in them all, definitely.”

Avant garde play

Hastings also feels the audience shouldn’t have problems getting
the messages of the interesting but abstract play.

“‘Seven’ is an avant garde abstraction that uses poetry as its
vehicle of expression. We don’t expect everyone to know exactly what we are
talking about, not all. I expect them to say that I’m bothered by this and my
hope is that if they are bothered by that, they are not trying to wait for me
but are actually pulled into it, so they can do their research, talk to their
friends, look up this phrase, look up that phrase and figure out what the
message is. There was a line that used to be in the play when I was doing it as
a solo show, ‘regeneration through intellectual penetration.’ So, everything in
there is an intellectual kind of idea with the goal of generating literacy. I
name drop a lot: Who is Angela Davies, Nikki Giovanni, Sonia Sanchez, Leroy
Jones, August Wilson, Che Guevara. People are like, I don’t know. But they have
rich stories and if we do a little bit of research, then the play becomes a
platform for literacy.”

Initially a 75-minute solo show performed by Hastings across the
US, she had to adapt the play to accommodate other actors during its recently
concluded tour of the UK, Barbados and Nigeria under the ‘Africa Lives’
project. She had to “figure out characterisation, dramatic tensions, the
relationship between these bodies and then how do they come to understand each
other’s stories” in the process of re-writing it.

Double love

Though she now has two versions of the play, Hastings doesn’t
prefer one to the other.

“I love them both and will not prefer either form because they
are two different pieces even though they contain the same general information.
I think the highlight of performing by myself is that if I make a mistake,
nobody knows but me. When I have a cast with me, they know when you mess up and
are going to call you out later. But there’s lots of joy in it as well because
you can laugh with somebody about both the good and the bad of each production.
Then, I get to expand the production through the use of new elements that were
not in the solo show. You have more bodies to create different images; it
becomes a playground where you and your friends are having a good time.”

Big issue

She explains why race is a big issue to her and why it is
reflected in the play: “In the United States, race is not an issue that is
fixed, if you will. The United States will tell you that we live in a colour
blind society; I would argue that we operate on colour; that every situation
you are going through has its colour coded structure that’s already in place.
Race was irrelevant to me growing up, I didn’t care. When I went to university,
people started to ask penetrating questions about my ethnic identity; I mean,
used race as an entry point. So what race are you? The questions were attacks
on my own identity. So my response was I’m going to figure out your system of
race, I’m going to speak back through that system, to explain to you that just
because I have a grandmother who was Filipino, a mother who is Filipino and a
father who is black, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have African descent. My
blackness is through those stories and through those ancestries and that’s what
makes us a stronger collective. You can’t take that from us, you can’t kill
that from us. So if you say you want to take race and operate from it, I’m
going to say, I’m going to use race to tell you my history.”

Personal history

‘Seven’, the story of six generations of first daughters
offering a love letter to the seventh unborn generation is taken from
Hastings’s personal experience. “I’m my mother’s first daughter and my mother
is her mother’s first daughter and her mother is her mother’s first daughter. I
can trace that back to six generations. I don’t know the complete story of each
of these women but I at least have a snapshot from their own lives that fuels
me and I find it really profound to think that I have a legacy of being a first
daughter. If I am blessed with children, these are the things that I would tell
my daughter: you should be aware of the world that you are entering because
it’s both a beautiful place and one full of conflict. But don’t have any fear;
know that you have a long legacy that you are entering into.”

Performance chose the author of ‘Metamorphosis’ and
‘Sole/Daughter’. Coming from a lower middle class family and a father who
enrolled his children in summer camps where they were exposed to several arts
activities, she eventually gravitated towards it. “Without even knowing that I
would be part of the theatrical world, here I was learning elements of
performance. And then I went on in high school to enrol in the humanities; an
International Studies Programme that had politics, literature and history.
Writing was always my avenue to be able to express myself. I went to college
and the next thing I knew I am performing all over the nation and here I am in
Africa doing my stuff,” she states.

Blessed to be here

One of the high points of the Nigerian tour for Hastings was the
student’s show at the Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile Ife. She says, “There is
something completely different and yet rather good when you perform for
students. It is one thing when you have people who you admire tell you good
job, it’s another thing to have the students who are looking to become what you
are, tell you that you did something well. We performed at Ife; the stage had
its own issues in terms of the level of noise, the confined space and silence
so that people can focus solely on the platform but the energy was so alive on
that stage because it was full of students of Dramatic Arts.

“Afterwards, it was a clamour of I want to know this, I want to know that. I
want to continue this conversation; please sign me right now… the next thing
I knew I am riding on people’s neck and arm. It was very inspiring for me and
it made me feel the purpose behind this work. Even if they don’t understand all
of it, it still penetrated them to the point where they felt alive and that
made me feel so much alive on stage. Ife is the centre of the Yoruba worldview
so to perform in such a spiritually and historically rich location, it added
more feel to it. It’s my first time in Africa and I’m blessed that Nigeria is
the first place I came to. They tell us negative things but it’s not true at
all.”

“If you look after it, Black don’t crack,” is one of Eryca
Freemantle’s pearls of wisdom. She should know. She’s not far away from her
fifties and, she has looked after herself remarkably well. “It’s all about what
you put in you get back and, it goes back to preparation and maintenance,” she
emphasises.

Eryca Freemantle is definitely an embodiment of preparation and
maintenance; as a result of a well-travelled revolutionary journey she started
in defiance of traumatising physical ‘disabilities’ and sustained by a
fastidious search for knowledge and the right answers.

Blessed with the right body-type as well as physique and
presence Eryca Freemantle worked as a successful model until she suffered a
horrific, life-changing car accident over 20 years ago. She was actually
pronounced dead at the scene of the accident. “My skin went through a radical
change,” she recalls. “I was left with over two hundred scars on my face, loss
of my hair and near amputation of my left leg. My beautiful even-toned face was
no longer so and, I was left with at least seven shades of black and I now call
my face the seven shades of black!”

She went through many years of trials and tribulations, was
given the wrong products to use on her face and; doctors gave her steroids,
telling her it would even-out her skin colour. She however found succour from
ancestral roots! “My mother and other female family members gave me some
traditional home remedies to help use and create my own skin care regime which
is based around shea butter.” She also used a lot of kitchen ingredients in
different formulas subject to the skin condition.

Her life became solution driven; literally and painstakingly
Eryca Freemantle has worked her way up again to success and fame this time as a
world-famous makeup artist. “I had to learn how to camouflage my uneven and, in
my eyes, fragmented face. So I went to the most prestigious makeup school in
London at the time, Complexions School of Makeup, where I passed with
distinctions. This gave me the impetus to go out with my new-found skills.”
After many years of her one-Black-woman-campaign, she was voted ‘The Best
Makeup Artist’ in 2009. With this rewarding accolade, she now has the support
of the United Kingdom Trade and Investments-UKTI, “to travel the world and
practise what I preach.”

Make-up guru

She has become a true makeup guru; into all types of makeup;
fashion, beauty, photography and film, but her speciality is corrective makeup
which she defines as “enhancing a woman’s wants and disguising her flaws.” She
herself is a living example of the wonders of corrective makeup. “My nose is
eight shades different from the rest of my face, so I use corrective makeup
techniques to create an even and acceptable appearance. I work with clients who
have burns, vitiligo, scars and bruises, battered and beaten wives.” She is
also a Para-medic corrective makeup specialist.

As an industry intelligence expert she believes people must be
aware of the difference between makeup and cosmetics! “Cosmetics consist of
skin care products and hair products whereas makeup is colour enhancement.
Cosmetics are products that penetrate into the skin and makeup sits on the
skin.” It is massive business. “The cosmetic industry globally is worth £370
billion!” she informs. “80 percent of the world consists of women of colour and
only twenty percent of women in the world use make-up. There is a huge market
to be captured. The number one selling makeup product in the world is mascara.”

Must women wear make-up? “Women have a choice,” she responds.
“If you are going to wear make-up do it properly, seek professional guidance.
Make-up is a woman’s friend and the sooner men accept that, the more
understanding they will have of their partners. In my case, make-up is my life.
Make-up is the future, but my belief is: less is best. Make-up should enhance a
woman’s natural beautiful features regardless of her skin colour. Western
society has helped the black woman lose her identity.”

Fighting back

How are modern black women fighting back, especially as they
are swamped and tantalised by western products that alter skin tones? “By being
a bald-headed dark-skinned confident black woman who can be a role model,” she
asserts, adding that, “your makeup should reflect your image, like Grace Jones,
Michelle Obama and Evelyn Oputu who are natural-looking women.”

Eryca Freemantle claims that there are over fifty shades of
black women that she has “personally counted.” They remain beauty victims of
western manufacturing companies who “will do only three shades of foundation,
light, medium and dark.” Why don’t black people manufacture theirs? “It boils
down to money and, black people are not allowed in with a voice,” she explains.
“That’s why I want to become one of the voices heard within the industry as I
have profound expertise and knowledge and, have felt the pain along the way in
my own personal journey.”

She is well aware of what she describes as Nigeria’s beauty
industry resources. “Nigeria is sitting on the resources the world wants;
including shea butter, petroleum and palm oil,” she declares. She is currently
in Nigeria on both a business exploratory search as well as putting finishing
touches towards the launch of the UKTI-endorsed Eryca Freemantle Unmasked Brand
in Nigeria in September 2010.

What is ‘Unmasked’ about? “I will be launching the Unmasked
Brand, starting with Nigeria. where my heart is. The Unmasked Brand is about
teaching and training women worldwide to become leading industry experts as
beauty makeup and well-being artists. All my courses are accredited and
recognised by various British Associations. ‘Unmasked’ also includes confidence
building and self-esteem seminars worldwide.”

Eryca is unhappy that Nigeria is renowned for coping makeup ranges and
selling illegally and she wants to help put a stop to this, “by speaking to
world-famous brands and using my expertise as a point of entry into Nigeria.”
She warns that, “Fake products cause major damage to the face and internal
organs, because of the chemicals that are overused to make them.” Another
aspect of ‘Unmasked’ relates to the use of colour. “It is about seeing colours
and appreciating them for what they are and, this comes from my own personal
journey. Not all colours suit everyone; from clothes to makeup. Understanding
of shades, tones and hues is the success of a well-groomed woman,” Eryca
Freemantle; a renowned voice and face of beauty makeup, wisely concludes.

The Last Airbender
is based on the anime series, ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’, which ran
on Nickeldeon for three seasons starting from 2005. The story line is
basically the same. This movie is based on the first season of the
series. The other two series may be portrayed in sequels. This
probability is very high against the sequels, judged against this
highly unimpressive first part.

According to the
story, the earth is divided into four nations capable of “bending”
(controlling) the elements – fire, water, air and earth. Each nation
has a mastery of one element. But amongst the Airbenders is the Avatar,
the only person in his generation who is able to bend all four
elements; and tasked with maintaining peace amongst the four nations.
Raised by monks, the Avatar’s destiny was only revealed to him when he
turned twelve. Frightened by the weight of the responsibility ahead of
him and wanting instead to live a normal life, he runs away and is
never seen again.

The action begins
hundred years later when the Avatar, also called Aang, is discovered in
and rescued from an iceberg by Katara (Nicola Peltz), a Waterbender and
her brother Sokka (Jason Rathbone). During the period of Aang’s
disappearance, the three other nations have been subdued by the Fire
Nation or Firebenders who have also annihilated the entire Air Nation,
making the Avatar the last Airbender.

Now with the help
of Katara and Sukko, Aang will seek to take his place amongst the
nations by bringing about peace, as dictated by his destiny. But he has
a problem. Aang had not being taught how to master any of the other
elements apart from his own. Also, hot on his heels as he flees from
the murderous Firebenders is Prince Zukko (Dev Patel of ‘Slumdog
Millionaire’), the disgraced son of the Fire Lord Ozai. Zukko is
determined to capture the Avatar and take him back to his nation in
order to regain his honour and place amongst his people.

The movie has been
classified as an epic, fantasy and action. Being an epic, it also
contains some drama. There were slight touches of comedy with Sokka,
often serving as the comic relief. However, the comedy, when it came,
often fell flat like those jokes you have to replay in your head in
other to get the punch-line. Rathbone is also not very good at being
funny or the butt of a joke.

The fight scenes
also lacked excitement. Noah Ringer who stars as Aang, the Avatar is
currently the Karate champion in his home-state of Texas, USA. There is
only the barest whisper of this in his stunts. The choreography and the
accompanying computer enhancements were ordinary and – sorry – flat.
Dev Patel in particular when he was not over-acting, just basically
displayed ineptitude in portraying even the simplest of martial arts
skills, a high-kick, convincingly. The CGI was lackluster and did not
wow. Compared to available CGI technology, this was really a
disappointment.

Having never
watched the anime series, I expected to watch the movie without any
sentimental bias whatsoever – just basically wanted to enjoy a movie by
a director I like, M. Night Shyamalan. But towards the middle of the
movie what should have been pure unadulterated fun became a chore and I
could not wait to get off my seat.

Previous M. Night
Shyamalan movies are not known for their action. They are
suspense-filled and often backed by good story-telling. This mix worked
for the critically-acclaimed and award-winning ‘Sixth Sense’, helped in
‘Unbreakable’, was endurable in ‘Lady in the Water’ and totally
nerve-wracking in Signs.

In The Last
Airbender, although I found the narration interesting to listen to and
actually liked the almost formal dialogue, these do nothing to help the
movie. Based on its origins, the movie is meant to be mostly
action-based so here the Shyamalan style would not and did not work at
all. That it was actually applied, shows that the director has great
difficulty in moving away from what he knows. Judging by his dropping
popularity right from the Sixth Sense, The Last Airbender (his most
expensive movie so far) might just have been the vehicle to propel him
back to the genius list but instead it props him higher up the list of
over-hyped talents.

For a much anticipated adaption in the league of Lord of the Rings
and the Harry Potter series, the Last Airbender may very well deserve
the angst it will get from the typical sentimentally-biased audience
and then some more rage.

The sudden death of
Ola Rotimi in 2000 was no mean loss to African Drama and Theatre. The
passing of the ‘Our Husband Has Gone Mad Again’ author shut the tap on
a number of stories and ideas. To fill this gap, his children soon set
up a foundation in the United States to celebrate his life and works.

To fulfil the
vision of the late playwright and stage director, his son Kole Rotimi
recently relocated to Nigeria to start the Ola Rotimi Foundation.
During a brief visit to Lagos, he and his wife Kamela, spared some
minutes to discuss the beginnings of the Foundation, its forthcoming
launch and proposed projects.

“What we felt from
our observation was that African arts and culture was slowly dying,”
the younger Rotimi said. Thinking from the perspective of a
businessman, he had approached his dad with an idea for satisfying the
huge need for African and Nigerian art abroad. “If we were able to
create that market and create a link between the artists here and the
presenters over there, that would now encourage people to buy into the
arts and start to respect their culture here as opposed to trying to
copy and emulate what they see on TV.”

Father and son set
to work on plans to create productions here and to market them abroad,
especially at the International presenters’ workshop in New York, where
promoters sought shows and exhibitions for display around the world.
All such plans went on hold with the death of the renowned dramatist
and author of ‘The Gods Are Not to Blame’ in August of 2000.

Hopes of the living

Two years after his
father’s death, Rotimi began to implement the original plan with the
establishment of the Ola Rotimi Foundation. It was however not an
exactly smooth road. “[The promoters] said it was interesting but they
would not touch Nigerian art and I said why? And they said, ‘You don’t
know what you are getting.’ In Kenya, Ghana, Tanzania, Egypt and South
Africa they were sure of what they were getting, even though they
wanted stuff out of Nigeria.

“Eventually we were
able to convince some of them and we got the funding to start the Ola
Rotimi Foundation in the US (in September 2004). In 2005, we brought
the National Troupe to come and perform. It was a tour that was
actually supposed to be in 2004. It was supposed to be a 3-month tour
(of The Gods Are Not To Blame) and what the presenters had said had
come back and took a bite at us. They (the National Troupe) weren’t
able to come and I’m not going to point fingers, you can imagine why.”
It was possible to decipher however that state bureaucracy was
responsible for the Troupe’s no-show. The close to half a million
dollars that had been raised for performances across America, in
Bermuda, the UK and in the Bahamas had to be returned to the donors.

A two-week tour
eventually happened, piquing the interest of the same producer that
took South African musical Sarafina to Broadway. Plans to embark on a
nine-month tour with a 50-man cast however fell through, “because I was
not here (in Nigeria), I was over there. It killed the project; at that
point it was 2006, I now decided if I’m going to do this I have to come
back to Nigeria and do it from Nigeria.”

Coming to Nigeria

The US branch soon
closed shop with all transactions now taking place from Nigeria.
Rotimi’s older brother took over as the US representative and is in the
processing of restarting the US part of the foundation. According to
him, the Nigerian side will be responsible for the development, while
the US branch will handle marketing in the US and outside of Nigeria.

Since his return to
Nigeria in November has business been worth it, I ask. Comparing the
scenario to a situation in his dad’s absurdist play, ‘Holding Talks,’
he said, “It’s not the same Nigeria I remember growing up in. A lot of
people nowadays I’ve found will talk and not deliver. They’ll make
commitments and never come through on it. There’ve been some people
that have been totally committed, steadfastly by our side,” he said,
mentioning arts patron Rasheed Gbadamosi as one of the ‘good guys.’

Located outside the
Obafemi Awolowo University in Ile-Ife where the late Rotimi worked, the
Foundation has been in collaboration with the campus-based Institute of
Cultural Studies and has staged performances (‘When Criminals Turn
Judges’ and ‘Holding Talks’) at the Ife University and at the
University of Ibadan.

The satire ‘When
Criminals Turn Judges’ will also be staged at the Foundation’s official
launch at Terra Kulture on August 20. Grammy-winning Kora player
Mamadou Diabate will also be performing. The choice of the play –
originally written in 1967 but published in 2007 under the ‘Four
One-Act Plays’ – is a reflection of Rotimi’s experiences since his
return: broken promises.

Big plans

Other previously
unpublished works, including a much-anticipated Pidgin English
Dictionary, is also scheduled for release. Organisers also expect the
director of the International Black Film Festival to be in attendance
as a supporter of the Foundation’s objectives, which include raising
Nollywood’s standards to a competitive level. The foundation will also
produce films for submission at local and international film festivals.
Commenting on the state of the Nigerian film industry, Rotimi praised
some of the acting but called for improvement in the quantity and
quality of the film’s aspects like sound, scriptwriting, editing and
acting.

The launching will
also act as a fundraiser event for the Foundation’s projects, amongst
which is an artists’ database, which will provide information for
tourists on cultural events in Nigeria. “The artists’ database will be
free to artists; it will have the artists’ contact information, a brief
bio or write up on what they do and samples of their works. We are
hoping to raise 2 billion naira. The idea is to now have that as an
endowment for the foundation because as Nigerian artists we can’t keep
on depending on outside funding agencies that don’t or may not fully
understand how we work,” he said making reference to the abundance of
potential donors abroad who believed in the projects.

Artists will have
access to the endowment fund for grants and travel, especially for the
Presenters’ Workshop. “The idea is that the foundation will be doing it
to promote Nigerian artists, so when we go out to New York, we’ll now
have artworks, dances that are ready for purchase. The presenters from
all around the world will then come and see the different artists and
say ‘OK, I want this artist.’”

The question of
certain collaboration being destructive to the creativity of such plans
soon arose. Kamela Heyward-Rotimi, cultural consultant to the
foundation, said, “(The Foundation) is a non-governmental effort. It
(going solo) is from bitter experience and also to maintain the ability
to act on the things your organisation has put forward as its tenets or
mission.” She said affiliations were a preferred option.

“We’ve run into a
situation where in order for us to fund this project, you have to put
this person in and it takes away from the artistic purity of it,” her
husband offered. “The foundation’s goal is to be independent and not to
be a foundation where year after year you are going to see how to now
find your next few kobos to make this event come across.”

An institute for
the empowerment of artists is also on the cards. “We want to set up an
institute of our own where the closest thing to it is what we call a
business incubation centre in the business world, but it would be more
of an artist incubation centre. Let’s say a producer contacts the
foundation and says they want to bring a particular artist for a
six-month residency for the position of a scholar at Duke University
and now they say you’ve never been overseas. The duty of the centre is
to expose artists to how things are being done overseas.

“Basically the
foundation wants to work with artists who will then be like ambassadors
of Nigeria when they go out into the world to participate in
international events,” Kamela added.

At the centre,
artists will have access to communication tools, internet access,
computer accessibility and office equipment. Trained staff will be on
hand to help them compose mail: “a centre that will help them market
themselves properly,” Rotimi summarised.

Despite the many challenges facing their lofty ambitions, the
Rotimis appear unfazed. “It is an ambitious goal but I believe it is
one that we can achieve. It is challenging but I believe that we should
rise up to the challenge. I don’t believe that it is a situation where
people can only give to the foundation if they have millions of naira,”
Rotimi said calling on the public to contribute to the organisation’s
vision to keep Ola Rotimi’s legacy alive.

I regularly get questions from readers who believe I can solve
their marital problems. Below are questions I got from a deeply troubled soul
named Truck Pusher.

“Help! I got married because I thought I would be getting sex
every day! Now I don’t get any! My wife thinks I am an idiot! What should I
do?” Also, my wife loves trying on new dresses and asking me what I think. I am
a fashion illiterate. My wife calls me olodo idiot! What should I do?”

Response: Your wife is right. You are an idiot. Listen, married
men don’t have sex. Once you get married, forget sex. Repeat after me: Your
wife is right. You are an olodo. You are a fashion illiterate and she knows it.
Women are geniuses, men are idiots; they don’t call us cave men simply because
we like to scratch our buttocks and belch. Women understand that men are
biologically incapable of distinguishing between a dress and a table napkin
because all men think about is food and sex. Your wife doesn’t need your stupid
opinion. She was simply testing your IQ and your ability to pay attention to
her. Say your wife puts on a new dress and, as you are doing something serious,
like reading my great columns, she coos: “Enh, honey, what do you think?” A
typical man would say something stupid without looking up to see if she is
naked, like: “Honey, it is very nice! Are you near the fridge? A Heineken
please!” In America, that is spouse abuse and it will earn you a hot slap and
several days in the doghouse.

This is what you do: Once you hear your wife’s voice, look up
from whatever you are doing. This is a trick question. Women do that to men
regularly. I believe they call it “checking in”, because if you fail the “pay
attention” test, you are “checking in” to the doghouse. Women have been known
to stand in front of their spouses gloriously naked, asking the sexy question:
“Honey, do you like my dress?” And of course, the idiots have brayed
absentmindedly: “I like it, honey, I really do! The blue compliments your
shoes!” Please do not try that foolishness at home. You may have just blown
your yearly chance at sex. Yes, in marriage, sex doesn’t come often. Always be
alert for sex and take it whenever it is offered.

So, what you do is look up in case there is some sex in your
future. Well, if indeed she is naked, stop reading right here and enjoy your
marriage, you lucky devil. If however she is in a new dress, then you have a
problem. Stop whatever you are doing and become a fashion critic. Stand up
slowly from my column (it’s okay; really, there are more gullible readers where
you came from. I shall not starve). Purse your lips pensively, put your finger
to your lips while you study the beauty before you and then say, “Nice… let’s
see… em, turn around!” They like that, “very attentive husband!” After one
minute of looking pensive and intelligent, start laying on the charm: “Nice… I
like the way the dress enhances your natural beauty!” Women like that. She will
eat it up. You might even get some (sex!). Follow this up with another volley:
“The blue dots accentuate your sexy eyes and they go nicely with your blue
shoes in an understated way.” Oh man, you are really going to get it (sex!).
Then ask her to turn around again. If you are lucky and she has other clothes
that she wants to try on, she will take off the dress and try on the next one.
You might get some (sex!) before she tries on the other one.

This purchase may have set back your children’s college tuition fund. You
may need to apply for emergency shelter from the government, or your relatives
if you live in a civilized place like Nigeria where the President is busy gleefully
typing “LOL” on women’s Facebook statuses while the country burns. Ask nicely:
“I bet you spent a pretty penny on this gorgeous dress!” She will say: “Honey,
you are really great in bed! [a big lie of course!] You will not believe how
cheap this dress was.” She will get the price tag from her Gucci purse ($1,500
on sale in Dubai; she bought it from Dame Dr. Mrs. Chief Patience Goodluck
Jonathan who had bought it at a bend down boutique in Dubai for $2.00 plus
shipping and handling) Wow! It was originally $1,500. Half off special! Now it
only cost her $750! You weep with relief. You are tempted to give your wife
half of what she just saved. Except that she charged it to the credit card.
Don’t worry; she will take off the dress. What you do next is up to you. Please
note: None of this ever happens in my house. My wife never asks my opinion of
her new dresses. She knows: I am an idiot.