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How to be married (Part 4)

How to be married (Part 4)

I regularly get questions from readers who believe I can solve
their marital problems. Below are questions I got from a deeply troubled soul
named Truck Pusher.

“Help! I got married because I thought I would be getting sex
every day! Now I don’t get any! My wife thinks I am an idiot! What should I
do?” Also, my wife loves trying on new dresses and asking me what I think. I am
a fashion illiterate. My wife calls me olodo idiot! What should I do?”

Response: Your wife is right. You are an idiot. Listen, married
men don’t have sex. Once you get married, forget sex. Repeat after me: Your
wife is right. You are an olodo. You are a fashion illiterate and she knows it.
Women are geniuses, men are idiots; they don’t call us cave men simply because
we like to scratch our buttocks and belch. Women understand that men are
biologically incapable of distinguishing between a dress and a table napkin
because all men think about is food and sex. Your wife doesn’t need your stupid
opinion. She was simply testing your IQ and your ability to pay attention to
her. Say your wife puts on a new dress and, as you are doing something serious,
like reading my great columns, she coos: “Enh, honey, what do you think?” A
typical man would say something stupid without looking up to see if she is
naked, like: “Honey, it is very nice! Are you near the fridge? A Heineken
please!” In America, that is spouse abuse and it will earn you a hot slap and
several days in the doghouse.

This is what you do: Once you hear your wife’s voice, look up
from whatever you are doing. This is a trick question. Women do that to men
regularly. I believe they call it “checking in”, because if you fail the “pay
attention” test, you are “checking in” to the doghouse. Women have been known
to stand in front of their spouses gloriously naked, asking the sexy question:
“Honey, do you like my dress?” And of course, the idiots have brayed
absentmindedly: “I like it, honey, I really do! The blue compliments your
shoes!” Please do not try that foolishness at home. You may have just blown
your yearly chance at sex. Yes, in marriage, sex doesn’t come often. Always be
alert for sex and take it whenever it is offered.

So, what you do is look up in case there is some sex in your
future. Well, if indeed she is naked, stop reading right here and enjoy your
marriage, you lucky devil. If however she is in a new dress, then you have a
problem. Stop whatever you are doing and become a fashion critic. Stand up
slowly from my column (it’s okay; really, there are more gullible readers where
you came from. I shall not starve). Purse your lips pensively, put your finger
to your lips while you study the beauty before you and then say, “Nice… let’s
see… em, turn around!” They like that, “very attentive husband!” After one
minute of looking pensive and intelligent, start laying on the charm: “Nice… I
like the way the dress enhances your natural beauty!” Women like that. She will
eat it up. You might even get some (sex!). Follow this up with another volley:
“The blue dots accentuate your sexy eyes and they go nicely with your blue
shoes in an understated way.” Oh man, you are really going to get it (sex!).
Then ask her to turn around again. If you are lucky and she has other clothes
that she wants to try on, she will take off the dress and try on the next one.
You might get some (sex!) before she tries on the other one.

This purchase may have set back your children’s college tuition fund. You
may need to apply for emergency shelter from the government, or your relatives
if you live in a civilized place like Nigeria where the President is busy gleefully
typing “LOL” on women’s Facebook statuses while the country burns. Ask nicely:
“I bet you spent a pretty penny on this gorgeous dress!” She will say: “Honey,
you are really great in bed! [a big lie of course!] You will not believe how
cheap this dress was.” She will get the price tag from her Gucci purse ($1,500
on sale in Dubai; she bought it from Dame Dr. Mrs. Chief Patience Goodluck
Jonathan who had bought it at a bend down boutique in Dubai for $2.00 plus
shipping and handling) Wow! It was originally $1,500. Half off special! Now it
only cost her $750! You weep with relief. You are tempted to give your wife
half of what she just saved. Except that she charged it to the credit card.
Don’t worry; she will take off the dress. What you do next is up to you. Please
note: None of this ever happens in my house. My wife never asks my opinion of
her new dresses. She knows: I am an idiot.

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EXCUSE ME SIR:Strange happenings in Benin City

EXCUSE ME SIR:Strange happenings in Benin City

The ancient city of
Benin has experienced its share of ruin and I am not talking about the
British sacking, destruction and looting of the arts and sacred
artifacts in 1897.

We can point to the
British expeditionary attack and say the white man came and stole from
us and destroyed our heritage and sent our king into exile in an
inhuman manner, where he was to die and be buried like a pauper. And we
can also say the white men that carried out the actual raiding of the
Oba’s palace in Benin did so because they did not really care about a
monarchy that was not theirs. Let’s even come to recent history and say
during various military administrations, non-indigenes were sent by
dictators to rule the state and they did not care if there was
development or not. But what do you say of some elected citizens of the
Edo State who have done worse than anything the British colonialists or
military regimes did to the state in general and the capital city in
particular?

The most terrible
and degrading years for Benin as the capital city of Edo State were the
eight years Lucky Igbinedion was the governor. The ruin that befell the
city was worse than any it has ever experienced in its long history of
existence. His mismanagement of state funds is not a secret and it is a
common joke that even after his failed his first term as a governor,
his father Gabriel Igbinedion asked that his son should be allowed to
go for second term, because if a “student fails a class he repeats it”.

Well Lucky did
repeat the “class” for another four years which enabled him to loot
some more and clean out the state coffers properly.

Those were the
locust years of Edo State, because money that came to the state was
“eaten” by the voracious pot bellied dullard. While infrastructure and
roads were in the worst state they could possibly be, workers were owed
months of arrears in salary, touts took over the city and harassed
innocent citizens to pay illegal fees – the governor was building
mansions round the world and throwing lavish parties in Caribbean
countries. Millions of naira worth of state funds was allegedly used in
buying houses in London and other foreign cities while erosion took
over the state capital.

One cannot put the
entire blame of the backward years of Edo State on Lucky’s head,
because other politicians’ directly and indirectly pillaged funds for
their personal use.

State Assembly
members made phony trips to foreign countries with funds meant to
develop Edo and Igbinedion as the steward did not see anything wrong
with this, because his own elaborate foreign trips financed in the same
way, were legendary.

In 2008 the EFFC
finally arraigned Igbinedion in a court sitting in Enugu accusing him
of laundering funds totaling about N4 billion during his eight-year
stint as governor.

The 147-count
charge count that was brought against him listed embezzlement,
stealing, conspiracy to defraud and use of several phony companies to
maneuver billions of naira from the state. The fact that there is not
development to show for all the money allocated to Edo, as an oil
producing state should have been enough to nail him but today Lucky
Igbinedion is a free man, enjoying his stolen billions.

One cannot really
say what his successor, Oseriemen Osunbor, would have done better
because his administration was ridden with crises and he eventually
lost the office. But barely four years after the wasteful years of
Igbinedion in Edo State, certain photographs surfaced in our newsroom
in Lagos recently. They were images of multiple water fountains
beautifully lit with iridescent colours in what looked like a public
park. The images were taken at night, which helped accentuate the
changing lighting of the fountains. Our arts and culture editor, Molara
Wood, who showed me the images asked jokingly if I knew where they were
taken, I told her no. “So you don’t know your city anymore…they were
taken in Benin City na!” I couldn’t believe her at first but it was
true. It was part of the new face-lift and renovation of the King
Square. Adams Oshiomole the governor of Edo State has caught the
Fashola beautification bug. The photographs I saw led me to visit Benin
City last weekend and I was shocked beyond words at what the city has
become. The fountain I saw was just a tiny bit of what Governor
Oshiomole’s administration has turned the city into. I took time to
drive round (Edo has also cured it’s kidnapping sickness, would you
know) and realised it was not just the King Square, but the entire city
had been rebuilt. I learnt the governor had vowed in 2009 to restore
the ancient city to its past glory. The comrade has definitely borrowed
a welcome leaf from Governor Fashola of Lagos because at the rate the
man is going the city will soon recover fully from the years of ruin.

Each time Lucky
Igbinedion drives through the beautiful city, he couldn’t do anything
about in eight years; he should cover his face in shame.

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Anambra prepares for 2011 budget

Anambra prepares for 2011 budget

The Anambra State government has
commenced the process of formulating the state’s 2011 budget with a
workshop on data collection, presentation and analysis, organised
yesterday in Awka by the ministry of economic planning and budget.

The workshop, according to Vivian
Nwandu, the permanent secretary of the ministry, was necessitated by
the government’s plan to introduce what she called ‘organic budget law’.

The law, she explained, was a manual containing the process and procedure of planning the budget.

“In the past decade, planning
methodologies have continued to evolve and the awareness that planning
must be based on facts and figures has continued to increase,” Mrs
Nwandu said.

The state’s commissioner for economic
planning and budget, Chinyere Okunna, said the training was coming at a
time when many reforms in planning and budgeting were taking place at
both state and federal levels.

She, however, noted that there still
existed gaps in terms of knowledge and skills by staff of the ministry,
either because they had been newly posted or because they were yet to
completely settle down.

“This workshop provides an opportunity
for them to listen, learn and ask questions,” Mrs Okunna said, pointing
out that effective planning must be based on available statistical data
on which the state government’s programmes and projects had been based.

Current momentum

She said that for
the state government to sustain its current momentum in development, it
needed to plan effectively and that such planning must be executed by a
crop of knowledgeable and skilled planning officers and statisticians.

“We urge the
participants to take full advantage of the opportunity the workshop
offered to acquire useful knowledge and skills they would use to
enhance their performance,” Mrs Okunna said.

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Physically challenged man contests for Iyabo Obasanjo’s seat

Physically challenged man contests for Iyabo Obasanjo’s seat

A visually impaired
man, and member of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) in Ogun State,
Yinka Ibidunni, yesterday officially announced his intention to contest
against Iyabo Obasanjo-Bello for the Ogun Central Senatorial District
in the forthcoming 2011 polls.

Mr Ibidunmi, a
known critic of the state Governor, Gbenga Daniel, before he was
appointed as Special Adviser on Physically Challenged People, made this
known in Abeokuta. Declaring his senatorial ambition at his campaign
office, located in Kugba area of the town, Mr Ibidunni who is eyeing
the seat for the third time, said his ambition is to create positive
effect and influence in people’s life. “I want to ensure that people
enjoy the dividend of democracy, and doing this is for the electorates
to vote the right persons into political offices, in the next
dispensation, in which I am qualified,” he said.

“I am not ready to give a kobo to any delegate before getting the
party slot, nor will I part away with any money as condition for the
electorate to vote for me,” he said. “But what I will say is that, let
us put the right person in right position.” The aspirant assured the
electorate that if voted in as senator, he would be transparent and
spend his constituency allowances judiciously. “Let us put the right
driver in the right driving seat,” he said.

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Enyimba beats Kwara United, lead with 6 points

Enyimba beats Kwara United, lead with 6 points

Enyimba FC on Friday won its second match against Kwara United 2-1 in the ongoing Super-4 competition. Enyimba had won its first match against Sunshine stars 1-0 on Wednesday.

Kwara United opened scoring in the first half through Kelvin Kpakor. They then went on to miss a lot of scoring chances. The Kwara keeper, Wasiu Ibrahim also saved a penalty from Enyimba’s Auta Philip in the first half.

Enyimba stepped up the pressure in the second half and got two goals through Ekene Iwuorie and Kenneth Anyanwu.

In the day’s other match, Sunshine FC of Akure beat Kano pillars 1-0. The goal was scored by Dato Ojo in the first half of the match. Sunshine FC had lost 1-0 to Enyimba in their first match while Kano Pillars had played a goalless draw with Kwara United.

In the first half of the Sunshine-Pillars fixture, Osas Precious had seen red for rough play. Despite being up a man, Pillars failed to break the resolute defence of the Sunshine players.

Sunshine FC will play their last match against Kwara United on Sunday while Kano pillars will play Enyimba the same day.

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Former athletics boss wants Amu immortalised

Former athletics boss wants Amu immortalised

Dan Ngerem, the
former President of Athletics Federation of Nigeria (AFN) is taking
steps to ensure that Abdul Karim Amu, the technical director of the
federation during his tenure is immortalised.

Amu, a member of Nigeria’s 1960 Olympics contingent died in February this year at the age of 77 after a brief illness.

Ngerem, who says
the manner Amu’s passing has been treated is rather unfortunate, has
written to world athletics body, the International Association of
Athletics Federations (IAAF) requesting it to explore ways of honouring
him. In the letter addressed to Lamine Diack, president of IAAF, Ngerem
said:

“I want to bring to
your notice something that has been bothering me for some time, which I
feel that, if it is not handled in a satisfactory manner will not augur
well for the sport and especially for the younger generation of
athletes and administrators; in terms of giving their very best in
pursuit of excellence for self, country and the continent.

“And the
excruciating problem is the undignified treatment that has been meted
out to one of the greatest Nigerian and African that has graced the
sport of Athletics in the person of A.K. Amu, Officer of the Federal
Republic of Nigeria (OFR) of blessed memory. A.K. Amu died several
months ago and nobody has found it necessary to honour this great
Nigerian, an African patriot and legend in any significant and
measurable manner.”

A man of integrity

The former
president of AFN said that honouring Amu, who was himself a former
president of Nigeria’s athletics governing body, would help in
capturing African youth for athletics.

“Why has there not
been any programme instituted in memory of such great and passionate
African pioneers like A. K. Amu that lived their lives for athletics
even until death?

“Such programmes
especially the ones aimed at the youth will help to begin to reduce the
debilitating influence and hold of football, Internet and computer
games, etc on the youth in the continent.”

Ngerem said he
worked closely with Amu during their time on the AFN board and was
surprised by the man’s refusal to compromise for greed and personal
gain:

“He had an unrivalled personal integrity, total commitment to
Nigeria, passion, interest, patriotism and self-sacrifice for the
benefit of Nigeria, Africa and the sport of athletics.”

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Former internationals unite for federation elections

Former internationals unite for federation elections

The forthcoming
elections into the board of the Nigeria Football Federation (NFF), has
become a rallying point for former Nigerians players to unite for the
development of the game in the country.

Three former
captains of the Eagles, Christian Chukwu, Segun Odegbami and Austin
Okocha, as well as Mutiu Adepoju, currently General Manager of 3SC
Sports Club in Ibadan, have indicated their intentions to get on the
board of the football federation.

At a parley with
journalists at the Press Centre of the Teslim Balogun Stadium
yesterday, about 20 former Nigerian internationals came out in support
of their three colleagues, insisting the time had come for them to play
a prominent role in the administration of football in the country.

Some of the players
at the gathering were former Eagles goalkeepers, Peter Fregene and
Peter Rufai, former Eagles striker, Victor Ikpeba, former Enugu Rangers
star, Stanley Okoronkwo, former assistant coach of the Golden Eaglets,
Emman Tetteh, Tarila Okoronwanta, Tajudeen Disu, Edema Benson, Peter
Nieketen, Loveday Omoruyi, Nicholas Ukadike and Nicholas Obido.

Taking charge of destiny

Ikpeba, who read a
statement prepared by the footballers, said they are concerned with
developments in Nigerian football over several years now and could no
longer watch things deteriorate further. He said the time for change
had come and that he and his colleagues would spearhead it.

“The real change
will come only when the proper kind of leadership is provided for
Nigerian football administration. For too long, we, the players, have
watched as the game has gone down the slope of development in the hands
of those who do not fully understand its mechanics and may not have
deserved to run its activities in the first place,” he said.

He added that, as
the main actors in the theatre, the former internationals know that
Nigeria could have done better much and achieved more if the leadership
of the NFA had grown at the same pace with the growth of the players.

“We have watched
how administrators have turned part-time NFA board membership
assignments into full time jobs and their means of livelihood. We have
watched how administrators have fed fat on the success of players; how
the welfare of players has been only secondary to the needs of
officials; how, as soon as footballers leave the national teams, or
even their clubs, they are forgotten and neglected,” Ikpeba stated.

“Everyone knows that Nigerian football has come of age. So have the
footballers. Nigeria now has footballers that have seen it all and done
it all in football. There are retired Nigerian international football
players that have played in some of the best clubs in the world, played
under some of the best coaches in the world, and have been trained in
some of the best football institutions in the world. These players,
having retired from active football, now have all their technical
experiences to pass onto the next generation as payback to the
country.”

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Ikhana plots Enyimba’s fall

Ikhana plots Enyimba’s fall

Kwara United’s
newly contracted Technical Adviser, Kadiri Ikhana, has stated he would
be going for victory against his former team, Enyimba International,
when both teams clash later today in the star fixture of the ongoing
Super 4 competition taking place at the Gateway International Stadium
in Ijebu-Ode.

Speaking with
NEXTSports after his team’s training session on Thursday in readiness
for today’s testy tie, the soccer tactician stated that only a victory
can boost the chances of his team in lifting the Super 4 trophy after
managing just a draw in their opening fixture with Kano Pillars on
Wednesday. “We were lucky to have finished our first game with a draw
but we have to move forward from there as we will be going for the
maximum points against Enyimba,” he said. “The match is very important
for us if we intend to emerge champions here.”

Ikhana, who is one
of the most widely travelled coaches in Nigeria with several titles to
his credit, also added that the several loopholes and mistakes noticed
in the opening fixture with Kano Pillars have been worked upon; and
pointed that his team will give a better performance against the
reigning Nigeria Premier League champions. The tactician, who was in
charge of the Aba Elephants when the team won its first Champions
League trophy in 2003, and was also voted the continent’s best
tactician for that year, still reckons Enyimba are a good team which
will definitely prove a hard nut to break. Kwara United’s hero on the
first day, goal keeper, Kazeem Yekeen, says he would be targeting
another clean sheet in the today’s game. Yekeen stood firm between the
posts to deny Pillars victory in the opening game and looks set to
repeat the feat.

Emordi confident

Meanwhile on his
own part, Okey Emordi, who is currently at the helm of affairs on the
Enyimba’s technical bench, though agreeing to the technical prowess of
Ikhana, who was his former boss at Enyimba, says he knows Ikahna too
well and knows the best approach to the match. “It is going to a highly
tactical game but I am sure my boys will up to the task once they
follow my instructions accordingly,” he postulated.

Enyimba are
currently on the top of the standings after getting the only victory in
the opening day of the tournament, another victory in today’s match
will put the team in good position to add the Super Four title to the
League crown already won while it will be hoping to also add the
Federation Cup later in the month. Enyimba were the victorious side in
the last game involving the two teams, as the Aba elephants defeated
Kwara 2-0 in Aba and played 0-0 in Ilorin in the just concluded league
season.

Other match

Meanwhile in the
other match of day, Sunshine Stars, who are currently on a tight rope
after losing 1-0 in its opening fixture, will be up against the
League’s runners up, Kano Pillars. Solomon Ogbeide, who is in charge of
the Akure-based team, says his boys already know the importance of the
game hence they would approach the game as such. Both Kano Pillars and
Sunshine were wasteful in front of goal as they created so many chances
in their respective games but both failed to score any. While a draw
can still guarantee Pillars a slight chance to remaining in contention
for the Super 4, any result outside of a victory will effectively knock
out the Sunshine team.

Both teams won their home games against each other in the just
concluded league season with Ijebu Ode now providing a neutral ground
to settle scores. All the teams have so far commended the high level of
officiating in the tourney and the appreciable number of people that
have thronged the stadium to cheer the teams, they are however
expecting that the situation to improve today.

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Champions League play-off draws take place today

Champions League play-off draws take place today

With another round before clubs can access the lucrative UEFA Champions League,

European giants,
Ajax join 19 other clubs plotting their way to that money-spinning
stage. Ajax were competitors in the group stage in the 2005/2006
season, the last time they had a taste of the main draws.

Turkish entrants,
Fenerbahce were sensationally eliminated after a stunning 1-0 home
defeat by Young Boys and Celtic could not muster enough goals to
over-turn a 3-0 deficit to Portuguese first-timers, SC Braga.

Also, Russia’s
Zenit St Petersburg will be hoping for a kind draw as they qualified
narrowly against Romania’s Unirea Urziceni . Perennial participants in
the group stage, Dynamo Kiev will also be hoping to go through.

Ajax, Young Boys,
Braga, Dynamo and Zenit are all in the non-champions half of the draw
and will be joined in the next round by Tottenham Hotspur, Sampdoria,
Werder Bremen, Auxerre and Sevilla. The winners qualify for the group
stage.

UEFA has also
published the event list and accreditation details for the Monaco
football gala in August which will include the group stage draws and
UEFA Club Football Awards.

The Champions
League draws will hold on Thursday, August 26 by 6pm. The UEFA Europa
League group stage draw will hold on Friday, August 27 at 1 pm before
the Super Cup match between Inter Milan, European Cup winners and
Atletico Madrid,

winners of the inaugural Europa Cup, which will be decided at the Stade Louis II. The match will kick-off at 8:45pm.

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Powell to miss Stockholm showdown

Powell to miss Stockholm showdown

The expected epic
meeting between the three fastest men in the world in the 100m: Usain
Bolt, world record holder, Tyson Gay and Asafa Powell will go ahead in
Stockholm but without Powell, who had to withdraw because of an injury.

The Jamaican
runner, who was the holder of the world record before his compatriot,
Bolt took over had to pull out of today’s race because of injuries, his
management company have said.

“On Wednesday
morning, Asafa tested himself with starts from blocks and was just
unable to push from the blocks without severe pain,” said a statement
on his management’s site (Doyle Management Group) – doylemanagement.com.

Reacting to the
issue of the injuries, Powell said: “I am absolutely devastated. I have
been running very well and I was hoping that I would be in the race
with a solid chance to win,” said Powell, the former 100 metres world
record holder. Powell has run the fastest time in 2010 with Bolt at
9.82 seconds.

The whole athletics
world had been looking forward to the race and there were expectations
that the world record (9.58 seconds) could be lowered. Bolt and Gay
will now be looked upon to give master performances to lower the time
set during the 2008 Olympic Games by Bolt.

The Paris injury

Powell said he may
have risked running in the race but there were no guarantees that he
would have been able to finish. “The way I have been feeling I know it
would be difficult to even finish the race.” Gay has run a personal
best of 9.69 seconds and has been quoted over his huge urge to be the
first athlete to beat Bolt. Last year Gay also struggled with a groin
injury but still equalled the second fastest time ever over 100 metres
with 9.69 seconds at the Shanghai Golden Grand Prix and is now
confident he can challenge Bolt’s World Record of 9.58 seconds.

Gay told the BBC in
March, “It’s motivation for me. If he wasn’t on the scene, my mind-set
wouldn’t be to run 9.5 so I think he has helped the sport tremendously.
“That’s my goal (9.58) and I’m focusing on running pretty fast this
year.” Powell suffered a groin injury in Paris last month and since
then other niggling injuries have surfaced that have culminated in his
missing this epoch occasion. The problem, described as a tightness and
severe pain, prevented him from training for about 10 days after Paris.
Powell continued: “As the groin injury healed over the ensuing days, a
back and hamstring problem developed.” The pain has since eased but he
has been unable to train at maximum effort.

Bolt beat Powell to
win the 100m at the Diamond League event in Paris in a time of 9.84
seconds. But he had to recover from a poor start to outsprint Powell in
9.91s but he was not satisfied with his overall performance. “I didn’t
feel as powerful as I wanted to out of the blocks. I need to go home
and work on that.” If the homework is properly done, by the end of the
day, Bolt may have another moniker apart from “Lightening Bolt”.

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