Nigeria Content Online

Look, officer, I
was going to stay out of this, but after watching CNN and seeing the
kind of pekelemes preparations for Prince William’s wedding, I can’t
stay out of this matter anymore. From all indications, it seems you
British people think a royal wedding should be like that of a Nigeria
Railway junior staff’s marriage. Therefore, I am applying for visas for
the best wedding planners in Lagos. I am sure you have been around long
enough in Nigeria to see how weddings are conducted here. We want your
people to have a taste of that.

We will bring Lagos
high life to London and shake whatever cold off your bodies, and throw
summer colours into your sombre hued London Fog coats. All of these
people applying for visas today are owanbe specialists. It’s a pity you
are going to be in Lagos while we are leaving a taste of a lifetime in
your palace dwellers’ palates.

Here are the applicants, please:

Mama Tunde – she is
locally known as the aso-ebi queen. Let’s assume you sneeze right now,
instead of her to say “bless you” and offer you a hankie, right under
your nose she would sew and sell aso-ebi (uniform) for the entire
embassy staff, gate men, security guards and other visa applicants just
to tell you “e pele o, e pele o”. Mama Tunde knows every textile mill
in Sub-Saharan Africa and by the time she is done donning ankara,
damask, tie and dye, etc on white wedding attendants, you would think
you were in a Yinka Shonibare art opening at the Smithsonian, instead
of a royal wedding.

Aunty Titilayo –
she is our souvenir baroness. If you want to know the meaning of
‘branding’, check her out first. She will brand everything under the
sun for William’s wedding. Name it: from Raleigh bicycles to Mini
Coopers, office chairs, jacuzzis, shower curtains and pure water. If
you need branded babies (just in case the likes of Madonna would be
attending the wedding), let Aunty Titilayo know. And she would have no
qualms distributing these items during the reception, no matter the
crowd.

Iya Buki – she is
also known as Mama Silk. She has no problem covering the entire
Trafalgar Square with yards and yards of silk. If you need her to lay a
red carpet on the road from Heathrow Airport to Buckingham Palace, that
would simply be like asking her for a throw pillow on your living room
couch. She can also give the London Bridge the ‘Breadfruit Effect’,
which is what she does with balloons at events.

Ronke – she is the
Change Agent. People need to ‘spray’ the newlyweds with money during
their first dance and that is where she comes in. Forget the fact that
the Royal Family is wealthy; you British should learn to show off a
little bit. Ronke’s job is to break your large notes to manageable
smaller crisp pounds sterling notes. If you need to break a hundred to
fives, her charge is two percent – you need to be quick on mental
arithmetic or Ronke will show you that Balogun Street is smarter than
Broad Street.

Mama Ngozi –
Emotion Generator. What does she do? Ah, she is very important; she
whips up emotions during wedding speeches. Something like, “I wish
Sister Diana was alive to see this William her son on this beautiful
day…boohoohoo.” And before you know it, everybody is crying and
donating their houses and cars to William and Kate without thinking
twice.

Uncle Bankole – The
Wine Merchant. You people’s plan is to serve wine in glasses and
calculate how much each glass costs? That is not how we do it in Lagos,
please. Leave this matter to Uncle Bankole, who will give each and
every one of the invited guests as many bottles of the most expensive
wine on earth as they can drink. Beer, champagne, brandy and other
kinds or drinks will be distributed in cartons by his boys. As we used
to say in Ekpoma, don’t count the people on a table, count the bottles.

Iya Bose – Chef
Extraordinaire. This woman here can cook jollof rice and fried meat
that will send an aroma from the British Isles to the Isle of Pigs. For
the vegetarians among you, she has Lagos Special Salad. I must warn you
that our salads are full meals, not appetizers, please. As for the
wedding cake, she has already designed one of Buckingham Palace, with
William and Kate sitting on the roof.

Meet Pastor
Adeboye. He will pray for the royal family and cast out all those
generational curses that may have plagued the royal family since they
looted arts and artefacts from Benin Kingdom.

Pastor Kumuyi will
pray for the Middletons and abate their fears in case they are nervous
about their daughter’s future. You know our people say inhabitants fear
ordinary lizards in a house where snakes bite.

Pastor Chris will pray for the newlyweds. His acquired accent is the only one the youngsters can understand.

Did you ask who will pay for all this? The federal government of
Nigeria, of course. We all delivered our wards and constituencies
during the presidential election.