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I recently called
an older friend who lives in America and he confided in me that he was
having a serious bout of midlife crisis. I was alarmed and caught off
guard. I did not know how to respond to him really, apart from an
“eiya” and, “it is well, my brother, God is in control and all will be
alright.” I almost launched into a serious ministration of, “that is
not your portion in…” before my credit ran out.

I did not feel bad
until later because I was used to the way we Nigerians respond to
crises. Instead of taking a problem very seriously and finding a
lasting practical solution to it, we go: “It is well, God is in
control,” while we completely forget the aspect of the Bible that says
God helps those that help themselves or faith without work is like
policy writing without implementation.

Anyway, I am sure
my friend was as pissed as hell on the other side of the world, because
in America those are not the kind of words you expect to hear when in a
serious crisis. Moreover I had also blown my chances of understanding
the phenomenon known as midlife crisis and how it affects the Nigerian
man. I will tell you why.

Two years ago, I
walked up to a very senior editor in my office who was my senior
special adviser in matters of adulthood and I asked her, “what exactly
is midlife crisis?” I was just curious then, not that I had attained
the midlife age or started losing my hair and having to budget for
Rogaine.

I was just groping
for a topic to write about in my column that day; a topic that would be
useful to my older readers, something like a corporate social
responsibility or community service to the elderly.

Now, you may be
wondering why I picked on this particular senior editor for such a
sensitive topic, when I knew full well that she was not a
psychotherapist or a shrink of any type? Well, I already told you she
was my senior special adviser, which means if I decided to log on to a
MEND email account and check to see if I have an email from Abuja or to
send out a few emails to editors in media houses just to say hello to,
she would be the one to advise me.

And I did not want
to ask a fellow man who would explain it away flippantly by telling me
that midlife crisis is like the phantom Gbomo Jomo, it does not exist.
So that is why I chose the regally beautiful editor who then looked at
me through her rimmed glasses and gave a hoot of excitable laughter. I
waited for her to recover from her laughter, though I did not see what
was funny about my question. When she eventually recovered, all red
faced, she said calmly, which is how she talks, “Victor when you get
there you will know it. Don’t worry.”

Now why I am
regretting not taking my friend seriously enough to ask a few questions
and see if he would explain it better than my editor who wants me to
find out by myself? I have always had the notion that midlife crisis is
a Western disease, that Nigerians do not suffer this crisis but I guess
I was wrong. The symptoms manifest in different ways.

But I should have
taken the time to ask my older friend if he felt like buying a red
convertible Corvette or a shining Harley Davidson motorbike that barks
like a police dog? Or does he feel like just spending his family
savings on a large cake that is bigger than a farm hut in my village on
his 50th birthday, or does he want to change his plastic dustbins to
gold plated buckets? Does he feel like blowing his children’s college
savings or his retirement funds on a hot yellow Mazarati? Does he feel
people around him are lying to him and misdirecting him to make
decisions he would under no circumstances have made? Does he feel
depressed and underachieving? Or does he feel like blowing up things
just to attract attention to himself? I lost that chance of asking him
any of these questions.

So out of curiosity again, I did what I should have done two years
ago, I went online to research midlife crisis. Some of the findings
almost blew me out of my seat. Believe me or not, Nigeria as a nation
is going through a bad case of midlife crisis right now, the symptoms
are just too obvious. A large number of our current leaders are also of
the age bracket that suffers midlife crises. So since there is nothing
I can do about it, I will go the usual route – it is well and God is in
control. Or should I pick up the phone and alert the presidency?